IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There has been a trend suggested by studies that
children
Use synonyms
 spend more hours watching
TV
Use synonyms
 rather than
implement
Wrong verb form
implementing
show examples
 active and creative
activities
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon can be ascribed to several factors and some solutions should be proposed to stimulate them to engage in more positive things. There are two main reasons which can be considered to be a factor
contribution
Replace the word
contributing
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 these issues.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in modern life, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents are so extremely busy
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 that they don’t have enough extra attention for their
children
Use synonyms
. Apparently,
this
Linking Words
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in
children
Use synonyms
can watch
Wrong verb form
watching
show examples
TV
Use synonyms
 for a long
time
Use synonyms
, which can not be
controled
Correct your spelling
controlled
 by their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, After a period of
time
Use synonyms
 keeping watch on
TV
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 can not arrange their
time
Use synonyms
 to engage in other indoor and outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 including
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise, travelling and voluntary work.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to
children
Use synonyms
can get
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 easily.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, the less
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 spend
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing exercise, the more overweight they are. A number of strong measures must be implemented to tackle the issue.
First,
Linking Words
parents should restrict the amount of
time
Use synonyms
 that a child can watch
TV
Use synonyms
 and spend more
time
Use synonyms
 with them. Together they could engage in outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 parents and
children
Use synonyms
 could play football or badminton at
weekend
Correct article usage
the weekend
show examples
 to help
children
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
get away from the television.
Second,
Linking Words
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should not only focus on academic
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
extracurricular
Change preposition
on extracurricular
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
 to help
children
Use synonyms
 develop comprehensively. In conclusion, the growth in watching television among
children
Use synonyms
 can be a result of busy family schedules and the fear of the outdoor world, and some changes in family habits could encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to spend more
time
Use synonyms
 in active and creative things.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance your essay, focus on logically structuring your paragraph. Begin with a clear topic sentence, follow with supporting details, and conclude with a decisive sentence. This will enhance the logical flow and better engage the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be made stronger. Ensure your introduction clearly previews the topics you will discuss, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points without introducing new information.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your ideas. This adds depth to your argument, making it more persuasive. Examples should be relevant and detailed, directly supporting the point you're making in each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Strive for a more complete response to the prompt by addressing all aspects of the question effectively. Ensure that your essay covers not only reasons but also proposed measures in detail. Expanding on each point with examples or further explanation will strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Ensure clarity in your ideas by precisely stating them. Avoid ambiguity and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea that is clearly expressed. This will improve the comprehensiveness of your response.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: