IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people move to other countries when they retire. Others think that it is better to retire in their home country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples.

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It is true that elderly people like to take rest when they
getting
Wrong verb form
get
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 old. Some
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 migrate to other
nations
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 in
retirement
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 age
whereas
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 others say that getting relax in their territory rather than other places.
This
Linking Words
 essay discusses
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand, senior
citizens
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 settle in their home
nations
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 after
getting
Wrong verb form
retiring
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retirement
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 because it assists
to obtain
Change preposition
in obtaining
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 numerous benefits from the government
as well as
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 their family members.
This
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 means they
should
Verb problem
apply
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need help and emotional support in order to live
in
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apply
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a healthy and happy
life
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 but they move
in
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to
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 other
nations
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while
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 they
should affect
Verb problem
experience
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 homesickness and loneliness.
For example
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, in India,
old
Correct article usage
the old
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 age public spend
theirs
Correct the word
their
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 entire
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 in India after relieve from their work
due to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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government
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
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 and family bonding. Needless to say, senior
citizens
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 get financial and emotional
supports
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support
show examples
 from
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
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nations
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, old
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 migrate to other territories after getting
retirement
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 because they spend
entire
Correct pronoun usage
their entire
show examples
 lives
for
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apply
show examples
working and supporting their family members
by
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with
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 their
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
, so they can visit other
nations
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 and settle in
another
Replace the adjective
another nation
other nations
show examples
nations
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while
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 using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advanced medical treatment and elder care
such
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 as pension amount.
For instance
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,
in
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apply
show examples
Australia allocates more funds for elder care in their annual budget, not only
their
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to their
show examples
citizens
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 but
also
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other
Change preposition
to other
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 country residents,
therefore
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, numerous Sri Lankans move to Australia
for getting
Change preposition
to get
show examples
 older schemes.
In other words
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, older generations have a chance to
visiting
Wrong verb form
visit
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 new places and
using
Wrong verb form
use
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 elder
supports
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support
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 when they move to another nation.
To conclude
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,
although
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 getting financial and emotional
supports
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support
show examples
 from the
authority
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authorities
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 and family members in own
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nations
Fix the agreement mistake
nation
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lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to living a happy and healthy
life
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, elder care and visiting new places can
less
Correct your spelling
lead
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 to be in a safe
life
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.
However
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, in my opinion, about
this
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, I completely agree
with
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apply
show examples
that senior
citizens
Use synonyms
 live in their countries after
retirement
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader on your stance regarding the topic at the outset.
task achievement
Expand on your viewpoints with more detailed examples to strengthen your argument and make your position clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between paragraphs and ideas to improve the flow of your essay. Consider using more cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'however', 'moreover', etc.
coherence and cohesion
Revise the structure of your essay to ensure it has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in maintaining logical progression throughout the text.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid broad generalizations and ensure your examples are specific and directly support your main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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