IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people move to other countries when they retire. Others think that it is better to retire in their home country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples.

#people #move #countries #home #country
It is true that elderly people like to take rest when they
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 old. Some
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 migrate to other
nations
 in
retirement
 age
whereas
 others say that getting relax in their territory rather than other places.
This
 essay discusses
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand, senior
citizens
 settle in their home
nations
 after
getting
Wrong verb form
retiring
show examples
retirement
 because it assists
to obtain
Change preposition
in obtaining
show examples
 numerous benefits from the government
as well as
 their family members.
This
 means they
should
Verb problem
apply
show examples
need help and emotional support in order to live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a healthy and happy
life
 but they move
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other
nations
while
 they
should affect
Verb problem
experience
show examples
 homesickness and loneliness.
For example
, in India,
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
 age public spend
theirs
Correct the word
their
show examples
 entire
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 in India after relieve from their work
due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
show examples
 and family bonding. Needless to say, senior
citizens
 get financial and emotional
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 from
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
nations
.
On the other hand
, old
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 migrate to other territories after getting
retirement
 because they spend
entire
Correct pronoun usage
their entire
show examples
 lives
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working and supporting their family members
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
, so they can visit other
nations
 and settle in
another
Replace the adjective
another nation
other nations
show examples
nations
while
 using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advanced medical treatment and elder care
such
 as pension amount.
For instance
,
in
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apply
show examples
Australia allocates more funds for elder care in their annual budget, not only
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
citizens
 but
also
other
Change preposition
to other
show examples
 country residents,
therefore
, numerous Sri Lankans move to Australia
for getting
Change preposition
to get
show examples
 older schemes.
In other words
, older generations have a chance to
visiting
Wrong verb form
visit
show examples
 new places and
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 elder
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 when they move to another nation.
To conclude
,
although
 getting financial and emotional
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 from the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 and family members in own
nations
Fix the agreement mistake
nation
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to living a happy and healthy
life
, elder care and visiting new places can
less
Correct your spelling
lead
show examples
 to be in a safe
life
.
However
, in my opinion, about
this
, I completely agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that senior
citizens
 live in their countries after
retirement
.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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task achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader on your stance regarding the topic at the outset.
task achievement
Expand on your viewpoints with more detailed examples to strengthen your argument and make your position clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between paragraphs and ideas to improve the flow of your essay. Consider using more cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'however', 'moreover', etc.
coherence and cohesion
Revise the structure of your essay to ensure it has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in maintaining logical progression throughout the text.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid broad generalizations and ensure your examples are specific and directly support your main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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