IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays,
due to
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 technology booming, most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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juniors are interested in using smartphones for
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 wide variety of functions. These kinds of gadgets bring innumerable
merits
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 for
the
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apply
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children
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.
However
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, it can have some irreversible negative impacts on youngsters. In my
opinion
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opinion,
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it`s
Correct your spelling
its
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 positive effects can easily overcome
on
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apply
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its drawbacks. On the one hand, some experts state benefits of
this
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 new era
technology
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of technology
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 are worth it
due to
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 its convenience
on
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in
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 entertainment.
In other words
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,
vast
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a vast
the vast
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 number of young people use it to play some
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
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 on its screen.
Whereas
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, they had to play the videogames on their computer in the past which was sometimes not accessible for them in the past.
As a result
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, they can have better spirit whenever they don’t have any option to keep them mentally fresh.
Moreover
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, it can bring some
merits
Use synonyms
 for the
children
Use synonyms
`s educational program. To illustrate that,
children
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 can connect to their teacher to keep in touch with them.
While
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, before the smartphone invention, their contact with their
children
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 was constrained to some limited hours.
For example
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,
according to
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 the figures, primary school pupils can learn their lessons better than their peers who cannot access
to
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apply
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these gadgets.
On the other hand
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, it can have negative consequences on
children
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`s health. These gadgets are extremely addictive. By playing these mobiles
overtime
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over time
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,
children
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 will become lazy and they won`t
willing
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be willing
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 to do sports.
As a result
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, their body will be out of shape which can be so harmful
for
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to
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 their health.
As a result
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, most of the addicted
children
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 to
the
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apply
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smartphones wear
the
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apply
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glasses compared with other kids. In conclusion,
due to
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 the advantages of the smartphones
such
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 as
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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comfortably
Replace the word
comfort
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on
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in
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 entertainment options and
its
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their
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education
Replace the word
educational
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merits
Use synonyms
, in my opinion, the
merits
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overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 disadvantages easily. But kids should consider not to overuse them to prevent
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 dangerous side effects like mobile addiction.

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Task Achievement
To improve your Task Achievement score, try to directly address all parts of the task more explicitly. Ensure your opinion is clear throughout the essay, and cover both the reasons for the trend and its implications comprehensively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on providing clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to immediately convey the main idea. This clarity at the start will strengthen the logical flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices and synonyms to avoid repetitiveness. This will help your essay to flow more naturally and improve the reader's experience.
Task Achievement
Include more detailed examples and explanations to support your points. The use of real-life examples or statistical data can significantly enhance the authenticity and persuasive power of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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