IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Many young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has negative effects both on their lives and the society. (To what extent do you agree or disagree?)

#people #time #malls #effects #lives #society
Spending leisure
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
exploring good things is necessary in
busy
Add an article
a busy
show examples
 schedule. Some people think that it has
bad
Add an article
a bad
show examples
 impact on youngsters if they spend their free
time
 in shopping malls. I totally disagree with the above statement and I will discuss my viewpoints in
further
 paragraphs.
Firstly
, we all know that people have limited free
time
 because they are always
remain
Verb problem
apply
show examples
busy
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their work. They can go to the shopping centres to spend some quality
time
 with friends and family. They can enjoy there and buy some clothes, Shoes and any other things which they need in their daily life. By going there they will know the current fashion trend in the market.
Secondly
, they can
also
 spend
time
 with their children as there are various play games in the mall. In
this
 way, they will spend
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 holidays better rather
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 just sitting at home and
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 bored.By doing
this
, they will
also
 know the current deals or sales on different brands or they can buy them
according to
 their pocket. In my opinion, we all need
change
Fix the infinitive
to change
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our daily
routine
Fix the agreement mistake
routines
show examples
. Going and spending
time
 in shopping malls
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 effect as by doing so we know much more about our outside by meeting different people there or
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 new trends in our life.
This
also
 provides relaxation to our body and mind.
Submitted by Kamaljeetkaur6968 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary Improvement
You should aim to include a broader range of vocabulary specific to the topic. Avoid repeating the same words or phrases, such as 'spend time' and 'going there.'
Structuring
Work on presenting a more structured argument with a clear introduction, body paragraphs each centered on a unique point, and a concise conclusion that summarizes your view.
Sentence Structure
Incorporate a variety of sentence structures to enhance the readability of your essay and to better demonstrate your English proficiency.
Task Response
While you mentioned advantages, consider also addressing the prompt's focus on the potential negative impacts to provide a balanced discussion. This could involve acknowledging commonly cited negatives before explaining why you disagree.
Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that your paragraphs flow logically from one to the next. Using a wider range of linking words can help in better connecting your ideas and arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: