IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufatured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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People
 nowadays started using more manufactured goods than organic
food
. Research says that most health problems are caused by high levels of
sugar
 contained in processed
food
 and drink items. I disagree
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 statement that these products should be made expensive so that
people
 will consume less
sugar
.
Firstly
,
public
Add an article
the public
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 should be aware of what they are consuming in their day-to-day lifestyle. If they
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 have any idea about the problems that
sugar
 consumption can cause, they tend to eat more once they get addicted to the taste even if they are pricy.
For example
, children are getting addicted to chocolates even though they are expensive. Here, only if they get to know about the side effects of chocolate intake they can control themselves.
Thus
, providing awareness among the
people
instead
 of raising the price of the products will be more effective.
In addition
,
this
 generation is
mixed
Add an article
a mixed
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 population of rich and poor
people
. If all the
sugar
 products in the market
becomes
Change the verb form
become
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 costly, the other half of the crowd will become unable to afford the basic need for
this
 item.
In other words
, the poor crowd of the nation will not consume sweeteners at all
whereas
 the rich crowd will be consuming it
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 high levels. Here, one part of the nation will suffer from the basic needs and the other part will consume more of it which results in health problems from both ends. I summarise that
instead
 of increasing the cost of
manufatured
Correct your spelling
manufactured
 goods, we can encourage awareness programs in the country to reduce their effects on consumers. I suggest that the government can support more organic
food
 over processed
food
.
Submitted by thilagaraj7007 on

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Task Achievement
Clarify your viewpoint in the introduction for a stronger stance. Begin with a clear statement of agreement or disagreement to immediately guide the reader through your argument.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples and data to support your points. This will strengthen the argument and provide more depth to the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure a logical flow between paragraphs by using transitional phrases. This will enhance the overall cohesion and readability of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Conclude your essay with a strong summary of your arguments and reiterate your viewpoint. A compelling conclusion will leave a lasting impression on the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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