IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this massage?

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Children
Use synonyms
 are able to
get
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 goals if they put
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
effort
Use synonyms
upmost
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
and
Correct word choice
as
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is told by several societies. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe
this
Linking Words
 message is a good way to raise
Use synonyms
motivation
Correct article usage
the motivation
show examples
 and independence of
children
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 claim that it is not good for them because sometimes the
effort
Use synonyms
 betrays the result. Personally,
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss about
beneficial
Replace the word
benefits
show examples
 and
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
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 of giving
this
Linking Words
advice
Use synonyms
. (harus ada positioning) On the one hand, some
people
Use synonyms
 admit that the culture of giving
advice
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for
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 that they can be anything with goals should
by
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 hard work.
This
Linking Words
 message makes
children
Use synonyms
 learn how they will be independent with their goals and
also
Linking Words
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
show examples
motivation
Use synonyms
 to
catch
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 their dreams. The
children
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 get
booster
Add an article
a booster
show examples
 from the message to face
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
failure and be more confident
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 themselves.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are many seminars in Indonesia held to provide ambition and
motivation
Use synonyms
 for
children
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 to achieve their dreams by working hard.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the speakers of seminars said you can be anything that you want if you try hard enough.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the
advice
Use synonyms
 is not good for them. They claim
children
Use synonyms
 should have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
normal
procedure
Fix the agreement mistake
procedures
show examples
 in their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 and should not face
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 because sometimes the
effort
Use synonyms
 betrays the result. Many
children
Use synonyms
 will be depressed and lose their confidence because they have
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 level of
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 but they can not achieve anything.
For instance
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 in Japan decide to choose suicide because they put in a lot of
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 but they fail to get what they want. In conclusion, there are both sides of the
advice
Use synonyms
 from society to achieve anything that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is
a good
Remove the article
good advice
a piece of good advice
a bit of good advice
show examples
advice
Use synonyms
 for increasing
Correct article usage
the
show examples
motivation
Use synonyms
 and confidence of
children
Use synonyms
 to get what they want.
However
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 claim that it can harm the
children
Use synonyms
 because sometimes the
effort
Use synonyms
 betrays the result.

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Language Use
Increase the variety and complexity of sentences to enhance clarity and engagement. Utilize a wide range of grammatical structures and vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetition. This will enhance both coherence and cohesion, as well as task achievement.
Structure
Work on developing your introduction and conclusion more effectively. A strong introduction should clearly state your position and outline the main points you will discuss. A conclusion should succinctly summarize these points and restate your position, providing a clear closure to your argument.
Content
Integrate more specific, relevant examples to support your arguments. Examples provide evidence to your claims and make your essay more persuasive. Ensure these examples are directly linked to the question prompt and clearly illustrate the point you're trying to make.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve the overall coherence by ensuring there's a logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases effectively to show the connections between your ideas. This will make your essay easier to follow and understand.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Encouragement
  • Motivation
  • Determination
  • Work Ethic
  • Persistence
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Challenges
  • Unrealistic Expectations
  • Disappointment
  • Frustration
  • Limitations
  • External Factors
  • Pressure
  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Mental Health
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