In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this massage?

Children
are able to
get
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
goals if they put
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
effort
upmost
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
and
Correct word choice
as
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is told by several societies. Some
people
believe
this
message is a good way to raise
motivation
Correct article usage
the motivation
show examples
and independence of
children
,
while
other
people
claim that it is not good for them because sometimes the
effort
betrays the result. Personally,
This
essay will discuss about
beneficial
Replace the word
benefits
show examples
and
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
of giving
this
advice
. (harus ada positioning) On the one hand, some
people
admit that the culture of giving
advice
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
that they can be anything with goals should
by
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
hard work.
This
message makes
children
learn how they will be independent with their goals and
also
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
show examples
motivation
to
catch
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
their dreams. The
children
get
booster
Add an article
a booster
show examples
from the message to face
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
failure and be more confident
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
themselves.
For instance
, there are many seminars in Indonesia held to provide ambition and
motivation
for
children
to achieve their dreams by working hard.
Moreover
, the speakers of seminars said you can be anything that you want if you try hard enough.
On the other hand
, some
people
believe that the
advice
is not good for them. They claim
children
should have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
normal
procedure
Fix the agreement mistake
procedures
show examples
in their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
and should not face
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
because sometimes the
effort
betrays the result. Many
children
will be depressed and lose their confidence because they have
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
level of
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
but they can not achieve anything.
For instance
, many
children
in Japan decide to choose suicide because they put in a lot of
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
but they fail to get what they want. In conclusion, there are both sides of the
advice
from society to achieve anything that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
. Some
people
believe that it is
a good
Remove the article
good advice
a piece of good advice
a bit of good advice
show examples
advice
for increasing
Correct article usage
the
show examples
motivation
and confidence of
children
to get what they want.
However
, some
people
claim that it can harm the
children
because sometimes the
effort
betrays the result.
Submitted by azizahqonitas on

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Language Use
Increase the variety and complexity of sentences to enhance clarity and engagement. Utilize a wide range of grammatical structures and vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetition. This will enhance both coherence and cohesion, as well as task achievement.
Structure
Work on developing your introduction and conclusion more effectively. A strong introduction should clearly state your position and outline the main points you will discuss. A conclusion should succinctly summarize these points and restate your position, providing a clear closure to your argument.
Content
Integrate more specific, relevant examples to support your arguments. Examples provide evidence to your claims and make your essay more persuasive. Ensure these examples are directly linked to the question prompt and clearly illustrate the point you're trying to make.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve the overall coherence by ensuring there's a logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases effectively to show the connections between your ideas. This will make your essay easier to follow and understand.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Encouragement
  • Motivation
  • Determination
  • Work Ethic
  • Persistence
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Challenges
  • Unrealistic Expectations
  • Disappointment
  • Frustration
  • Limitations
  • External Factors
  • Pressure
  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Mental Health
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