IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, more and more people are becoming overweight. What do you think are the main causes of this? What effects might this have in the future? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, there are a lot of people
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
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 suffering from excess weight.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the reasons that may provoke
obesity
Use synonyms
 and what should have been done about these situations. One of the main causes of the rising trend of
obesity
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 in many countries is easy access and availability of unhealthy
food
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 options. With the expansion of fast
food
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 chains and convenience stores,
coupled with
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 the proliferation of
food
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 delivery services, people have more opportunities to consume calorie-dense, nutrient-poor foods. These foods are often high in sugar, fat and salt, which can lead to weight gain when consumed in excess.
Secondly
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, the aggressive marketing tactics used by the
food
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 industry, especially social media platforms, highly influence
food
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 choices and consumer
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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. Children are easily manipulated
with
Change preposition
by
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 eye-catching advertisements,
while
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 adolescents associate unhealthy foods with desirable qualities
such
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 as happiness, popularity and success. The first consequence is that the worsening
obesity
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 epidemic can lead to severe health problems, including heart disease, diabetes, and certain types of cancer.
For instance
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, more and more children visit dentists
due to
Linking Words
 consuming sugary beverages, chocolates and products high in sugar. The dominance of marketing and
food
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 industries over healthcare can result in prioritizing profit over public health. The more people spend money on groceries, the more income they have to improve their marketing strategies and
as a consequence
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 the healthcare system is left behind. In conclusion, the causes of
obesity
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 are a lot of options
of
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apply
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and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
easy access to unhealthy
food
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 and aggressive marketing strategies. These trends can lead to acute health problems and a flourishing
food
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 industry that can have negative effects on the development of the healthcare system.

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task achievement
Begin by directly addressing the question in your introduction. Your essay should have a clear statement that outlines your main points. This helps ground your argument and provides a roadmap for your readers.
task achievement
Ensure you include comprehensive ideas that thoroughly answer the prompt. Your essay should delve deeper into causes and consequences, perhaps including a wider range of factors or more nuanced examples showcasing your understanding of the issue.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples that illustrate your points. Drawing on personal knowledge or experience adds depth to your argument and makes your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but refining the linkages between paragraphs could enhance coherence. Using clear transition phrases would help guide the reader more smoothly from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
While you have both an introduction and a conclusion, make sure each is fully developed. Your introduction should clearly state your essay's purpose, and your conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points and reiterate the significance of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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