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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

All fathers should be entitled to time-off from work when their children are born

All
fathers
Use synonyms
 should have the right to take
time
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 off from work when they have an infant
child
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. In my opinion,
due to
Linking Words
 mental
support
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as well as
Linking Words
 assistance with household chores from the father to the
child
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 and mother, I agree with
this
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 approach.
To begin
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 with,
fathers
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 can provide emotional
support
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 to their wives.
That is
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 to say, mothers are very sensitive and irritable during the postpartum period,
therefore
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 they need to be accompanied by their husbands during
this
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time
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.
For example
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, lack of psychological and emotional
support
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 from the husbands can increase depression and stress, caused by hormonal changes and will alleviate the bond between couples, especially today most people are living in a nuclear family and it is seen that mentally exhausted people are more than before.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is necessary for
fathers
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 to help their wives and reduce the physical pressure that can increase on the mother when a new
child
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 enters the family. Because at
this
Linking Words
time
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, mothers have to devote their
time
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 both to raising their children and doing household chores
such
Linking Words
 as cleaning and cooking.
For instance
Linking Words
, each parent can take turns doing housework
while
Linking Words
 the other takes care of the
child
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, striking a balance between doing housework and fostering children will warm the hearts of the family. In conclusion, it is necessary for
fathers
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 to take
time
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 off because it can help mothers with mental and physical
support
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 and doing housework.

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task achievement
To improve your Task Response, focus on elaborating further on your key points with more diverse examples and evidence. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or introducing hypothetical scenarios that demonstrate the implications of fathers not taking time off. This would strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
For enhancing your Coherence and Cohesion, aim to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. While your essay flows well, integrating transition phrases like 'Furthermore', 'Moreover', 'In addition to', can add sophistication and clarity. Also, consider varying your sentence structures to add rhythm and flow to your writing, which will make your essay more engaging.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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