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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people argue that immigrants should adopt the local culture when immigrating to a new country. An alternative view is that they can adapt to a new environment by establishing a minority community. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #immigrants #culture #country #alternative #environment #minority #community
Immigrants
 that took
decision
Add an article
the decision
a decision
show examples
 to move out from their own country to a new one should adopt the local
culture
 and assimilate with the local
people
.
On the other hand
, there is another perspective that
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
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support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
show examples
 the
immigrants
Wrong verb form
having
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to have
Change the verb form
having
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 freedom and
Wrong verb form
establishing
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established
Wrong verb form
establishing
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 a minority community so that they can adapt well to a new environment
better
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
This
 essay will elaborate
Change preposition
on this
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 two contradictive
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
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 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
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 the next paragraph. Sometimes
immigrants
 should be the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who try to adapt to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new places. It will be their new future home where they
life
Replace the word
live
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 and
engaged
Wrong verb form
engage
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 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
This
 requires
immigrants
 to learn about the local
culture
 and understand
people
's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 without really
change about
Wrong verb form
changing
show examples
 who they really are.
This
 is a good opportunity to open up
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 higher understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 other cultures and easily connect to the local
people
.
For
example
,
immigrants
 from China
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 migrated to
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 States of America,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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tried to adopt the American
culture
 and now the children that often called as Asian - American have the benefit of easily
engaged
Wrong verb form
engaging
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 well
to
Change preposition
with
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 the community. The
immigrants
 can
also
 establish a minority community so that the burden of moving out to a "strange place" can be reduced. They will still feel like they are at home and have an opportunity to teach their own children about their
culture
,
then
 hope that it will still run through generations by generations so that they will not forget where they come from and keep improving their life to be a better one. It will make
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society more
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
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 and
tolerate
Replace the word
tolerant
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with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 each other's
belief
Fix the agreement mistake
beliefs
show examples
.
For
example
,
the
Remove the article
apply
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India's
Change noun form
India
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immigrant
Fix the agreement mistake
immigrants
show examples
 that migrated to
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 Kingdom. They still true to their belief and teach their children
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
what their parents taught them
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 the food
recepie
Correct your spelling
recipes
,
then
 they
finally
 opened up a restaurant where
people
 from
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 Kingdom can try Indian food without
travel
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
 so far to India. From my point of view, the
immigrants
 should be flexible. They need to be agile in trying to adapt to a new environment so that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society can accept them and treat them well, but on the other side of the coin, they
also
 need to stay true
of
Change preposition
to
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 their belief and
culture
 so that their core identity will not disappear. They can be
also
 an inspiration to both new local
people
 and their ancestors in terms of perseverance and hard work.
For
example
,
from
Change preposition
apply
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my friend,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
the
Correct article usage
a
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students
Fix the agreement mistake
student
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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migrate
Wrong verb form
migrated
show examples
 from Indonesia to Korea, she set an
example
 for Korean
people
 about "patience" as what typical Indonesian
culture
 is, and
also
 proof to other students in Indonesia that you can live in
harsh
Add an article
a harsh
show examples
 environment but still be the salt and light to other
people
.
Submitted by myra.wirawan on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure you introduce your essay with a clear thesis statement that summarizes both sides of the argument and your own viewpoint. This provides a roadmap for your readers and establishes a coherent structure from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
For greater coherence, make use of varied linking phrases to bridge ideas between paragraphs. While your essay demonstrates some ability to do this, further use will enhance readability and flow.
task achievement
Support your arguments with more specific examples and detailed explanations. You have provided some, but adding more depth and detail to these can strengthen your arguments significantly.
task achievement
To fully meet the task requirements, include a concise conclusion that summarizes the discussion points and reinforces your personal stance. This ensures that the essay feels complete and leaves the reader with a clear understanding of your perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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