IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

many people today choose to take part in extreme sports why do you think people want to do these sports? who do you thing should pay if people injure themselves while doing an extreme sport?

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In the modern era, most people like to experience dangerous and
high risk
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high-risk
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 sports at least once in their lives. There are lots of reasons that persuade individuals to do it like its thrill and extensive advertising. On the other side, these activities can bring some consequences to society which I'm going to explain more about in the rest of
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, some recreational corporations use different approaches to draw more customers. Bungee jumping,
for example
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, was forbidden about two decades ago because of its dangers but now it is one the most exciting and famous sports among the youth because of its thrill. New generations like to explore more about their surrounding world and experience
evrything
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everything
 at least
for
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apply
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once. So, they usually try all dangerous
sport
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sports
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 in their
younghoods
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youth
.
Additionally
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, corporations usually use social media as a
mean
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means
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 of promotion to catch these kinds of activities
on
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apply
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.
Therefore
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, more people are enticed into doing it and experience some adrenaline.
On the other hand
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, sometimes these hobbies can be turned into disasters which begins a controversy about who is responsible for that. In 2019,
for example
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, Thailand faced one
such
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 of these difficulties when one of
skydivers
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the skydivers
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 could not open his parachute and it
lead
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led
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 to a
tragedic
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tragic
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 death. Most companies have insurance policies which pay for any damage to clients. But some beginners do not collaborate with insurance
instituitions
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institutions
.
Therefore
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, they explain all conditions to individuals and sign
contrancts
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contracts
 with them which make them responsible for any potential harm. On top of that, some companies
nether
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neither
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 explain anything to people nor have insurance policies and I think the government should mark them as illegal jobs and close them.
To conclude
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, some exciting hobbies are
getting
Verb problem
becoming
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 more prevalent among members of society. I think its reasons are advertising to stimulate the sense of thrill in the youth and hope these get safer than before to eliminate the need
of
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for
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 discussion about who pays for harm.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introductory paragraph but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main points. The body paragraphs somewhat follow the logical structure introduced, but the connection between the paragraphs, and the points within them, can be strengthened. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and the ideas progress logically. Incorporating transitional phrases can also enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You've addressed the topic and provided some relevant examples (e.g., bungee jumping, the 2019 incident in Thailand); however, further elaboration and more specific examples would enrich your essay. For task achievement, aim to explore the reasons behind the popularity of extreme sports in more depth, and provide a more nuanced discussion on who should bear the financial responsibility for injuries. This will help create a more complete and comprehensive response to the prompts.
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