IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many feel today that attention spans are becoming shorter due to prevalence of social media. Upto what extent do you agree or disagree.

#attention #prevalence #media #upto
The effects of social
media
 on our attention
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 growing gradually day by day.
Everyday
Replace the word
Every day
show examples
 people spend a huge amount of time on social
media
such
 as Instagram and Facebook without being aware of how much it affects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their health. I totally agree with the fact that our attention spans are getting shorter. To my mind, it is because of that the information given on social
media
 is becoming shorter too.
For example
, "Reels" of
such
 giant platforms as
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 are extremely popular among the young generation, demotivate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals from watching longer videos.
Hence
, they get used to not being able to concentrate on one theme or matter for a long time.
On the other hand
, social
media
 users are
also
 disturbed by
advertisement
Change the noun form
advertisements
show examples
such
 as pop-ups and redirects. I can contend that
this
also
 influences
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our attention period.
For example
, recently I was reading an article about
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet on a website and the advertising on the same website
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 popping up again and again
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
making my reading of the target article worse. I could not concentrate properly,
thus
, I forgot almost all the main statements and later when I wanted to recollect what
I've
Wrong verb form
I'd
show examples
 read before, I couldn't do that. In conclusion,
due to
 the prevalence of social
media
, I can assume that its influence on individuals' health and memory is irreversible but every person ought to control the usage time of spending on social
media
 platforms.
Submitted by ali_naz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between ideas. Use cohesive devices such as 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' and 'In addition' to link ideas more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Develop your paragraphs with more detailed examples. While the example of reading an article disturbed by ads is good, providing more varied examples would strengthen your essay.
task achievement
Try to fully address the essay prompt by discussing both sides of the issue more thoroughly, even if you have a strong opinion. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear and directly address the essay topic. Your opinion should be stated clearly in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion for emphasis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: