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Band 5

Nowadays a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
These days, many
people
 steer clear of visiting doctors and choose
another ways
Replace the adjective
another way
other ways
show examples
 for
treatment
. I totally believe
this
 is a negative phenomenon, which can have many consequences. There are many reasons why individuals avoid visiting doctors in hospitals.
Firstly
, they might have a fear of what the doctor diagnoses.
Also
, in some cases,
people
 do not want to pay for hospitals, so they prefer to try
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 alternative
treatment
.
Finally
, they may think
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 herbal or home
treatment
 can cure them
as well as
 chemical medicines.
For example
, when the
Corona virus
Correct your spelling
Coronavirus
show examples
spreaded
Correct your spelling
spread
show examples
 all
the
Change preposition
over the
show examples
 world, there were some
people
 who believed that there was no need
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 vaccination or any chemical
treatment
, and they promoted the idea that by consuming herbal medicines
people
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 be cured.
However
,
this
 idea can have many consequences. If persons who have health problems, try
another treatments
Replace the adjective
another treatment
other treatments
show examples
instead
 of visiting doctors, they might get in trouble. Because they may suffer from a serious
illness
 which should be diagnosed
on-the-spot
Correct your spelling
on the spot
show examples
. As an example, cancer is a crucial
illness
 and
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be cured immediately,
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
 it can cost a life.
In addition
,
people
 who try to treat themselves,
due to
 the lack of science may approach
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 wrong way and use incorrect
treatment
, which can make their
illness
 worse. In conclusion,
people
 are going to choose other ways of
treatment
 as opposed to
visit
Change the verb form
visiting
show examples
 a doctor for various reasons
such
 as fear of hospitals,
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 cost of visits or a wrong belief that they can be cured without chemical treatments, albeit,
this
 can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to
disaters
Correct your spelling
disasters
such
 as making the
illness
 worse or in some cases it can cause death.
Submitted by sindokhtdadjoo2000 on

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task achievement
Work on developing a clearer thesis statement in your introduction. Explicitly stating whether you view the trend as positive or negative will strengthen your response.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas with more detailed examples. While you've provided some, deeper analysis and a wider range of examples could add richness to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to organization and transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. This will aid in achieving a more coherent essay.
general
Check for small grammatical and spelling errors, such as 'spreaded' instead of 'spread' and 'disaters' instead of 'disasters', to enhance the overall quality of your writing.
task achievement
Consider the balance of your essay. Ensure that both sides of the argument, if applicable, are explored adequately before drawing a conclusion. This will also contribute to a more comprehensive task response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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