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Band 3

These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than by following a healthy lifestyle.

#people #health #doctors #medicine #lifestyle
Nowadays,
health
 is
Kept
Verb problem
Maintained
show examples
 by the majority of people through reliance on doctors and medications, rather than by
fallowing
Correct your spelling
following
show examples
 a healthy
living
Replace the word
lifestyle
show examples
. I hold the opinion that
this
 trend happens as new ways of treatment are appearing each year, and visiting a
docter
Correct your spelling
doctor
 is much easier than maintaining a balanced IPestyle. It is significant to take a close look at some main causes.
Firstly
, compared to the past when individuals had to cope with diseases
such
 as diabetes and high
bleed
Replace the word
bleeding
show examples
 pressure by
Correct pronoun usage
their owns
show examples
owns
Replace the word
own
show examples
.nowadays with the advancement of
health
 science they
pretex
Correct your spelling
prefer
 preventing and treating their
health
 issues
fraugh
Correct your spelling
fraught
through
 medical
pro fession
Correct your spelling
profession
show examples
 which is
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
easier for them.
For example
, more
peaple
Correct your spelling
people
 without considering their
health
 consume a
lang
Correct word choice
large
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 amount of fat and sugary snacks and
also
 less exercise which can lead to overweight
heart related
Add a hyphen
heart-related
show examples
 problems and other
health
 problems. In
this
 case, people may take prescription drugs and see
doctars
Correct your spelling
doctors
 to treat their situations.
secondly
, with the change
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 economic conditions,
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 lives
ham
Correct your spelling
have
show examples
 Changed.Long working hours and busy
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
 make them burier.
There fore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
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 they don't have enough time to cook healthy
foed
Correct your spelling
food
 or join a gym or club to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regular exercise
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
 to care
themselves
Change preposition
for themselves
show examples
. Taking everything into consideration, the opinion I hold is that
notonly
Correct your spelling
not only
 the progress al medical science
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
made people turn to medical treatments but
also
 having a busy life made
this
 way easier for them.
Submitted by bahram.azizzade on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Focus on structuring your essay more clearly. Each paragraph should have a single, clear idea that is fully explored. Use connectors and paragraphing to enhance the readability of your text.
Language
Revise for grammatical accuracy and correct misspellings (e.g., 'Kept' should be 'kept', 'fallowing' should be 'following', 'docter' should be 'doctor', 'IPestyle' should be 'lifestyle').
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph contains a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence or transition. This will help structure your arguments more effectively and ensure your essay flows logically from one point to the next.
Task Achievement
Develop your arguments further with specific examples and detailed explanations. For example, when discussing reliance on medication, provide real-world examples or credible data to support your claims.
Task Achievement
Work on paraphrasing the question statement effectively in your introduction. This demonstrates your ability to use language flexibly and is key to setting up your essay's argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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