IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Children should never be educated at home by their parents. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #home #parents
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There are some ongoing debates on how
children
Use synonyms
 should be educated. Some people may argue that they do not need education from their
parents
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. One of the reasons that governments already established
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 for our
children
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
parents
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 have busy activities outside so they do not need to educate their son or daughter, and
also
Linking Words
 use educational
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
 effectively at
school
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay
is strongly disagree
Change the verb form
strongly disagrees
show examples
 with that point for several things.
First,
Linking Words
children
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 were born into
this
Linking Words
 universe because of their
parents
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.
Children
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 never ask
that
Correct word choice
whether
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 they want to
born
Add a missing verb
be born
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 world or not. The beloved
creature
Fix the agreement mistake
creatures
show examples
 called
children
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 were born in
this
Linking Words
 world because of
parents
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want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 them to
born
Add a missing verb
be born
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 world. They do not have any authority to neglect that they were born because of their
parents
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. So in
this
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 case,
parents
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 have much more control
for
Change preposition
over
show examples
 their
children
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. What
children
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 will be in the future is really depending
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
parents
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, schools are not having much
time
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 to educate
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 effectively. It will be so much
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time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
 when teachers and
school
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staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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 educate
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one-on-one person in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Teachers are
also
Linking Words
 having
children
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 at their home. They are not only teaching students at
school
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 their own
children
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.
School
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 is not a 24 hours in a day / 7 days
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week always open. It indicates that students have much
time
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also
Linking Words
 at home.
During at
Change preposition
At
show examples
 home, students are with their
parents
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. All in all,
parents
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 should not neglect their obligation to educate their own
children
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. Since
parents
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 have much more control
with
Change preposition
over
show examples
 their
children
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, they need to spare
parents
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 and
children
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time
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.
Thus
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, human well-being can be created when
children
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 have
harmony
Replace the word
harmonious
show examples
parents
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 who are willing to educate,
and
Correct pronoun usage
them and
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having
Wrong verb form
have
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 much
time
Use synonyms
 together
as well as
Linking Words
 family supposed to be.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your logical structure, ensure that your essay has a clear progression of ideas from the introduction through to the conclusion. Use paragraphing to separate different points and make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that contributes to your overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. However, ensure that your introduction clearly states your stance on the topic, and your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and stance, reinforcing the strength of your argument.
coherence cohesion
To support your main points more effectively, consider incorporating a wider variety of evidence, including statistics, expert opinions, or real-life examples. This will make your arguments more convincing and engaging.
task achievement
To achieve a more complete response, make sure to address all parts of the prompt fully. This includes directly answering the question posed and exploring the topic from multiple perspectives if applicable.
task achievement
For clearer and more comprehensive ideas, work on developing your points more thoroughly. This can involve explaining the implications of your arguments, drawing comparisons, or discussing potential counterarguments and why they may be less valid.
task achievement
To utilize relevant and specific examples more effectively, include detailed examples that directly support your main points. These examples should be clearly linked to the argument you're making and help to illustrate your points more vividly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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