IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say that what children watch on television influences their behavior, while others say the amount of time spend watching television influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #television #influences #behavior #amount #time
Nowadays, watching
television
 is becoming more popular among people and
children
. It
is often argue
Change the verb form
is often argued
show examples
 that the
television
programs
 witch that
children
 follow affect their behaviour,
while
 others believe that
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 of
time
children
 spend watching
TV
channel
Fix the agreement mistake
channels
show examples
 affects their behaviour. In my opinion, I believe that hours for watching
TV
 films influence their behaviour.
This
 is because
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 series
become
Verb problem
makes
show examples
children
 lazy and
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to less focus on their studies.
Firstly
, the reason
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
why some people have
opinion
Add an article
the opinion
an opinion
show examples
 that
programs
 affect
children’s
 ways of behaving is human nature. Obviously, a person could
influences
Wrong verb form
be influenced
show examples
 when he/she
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 what it
.
Add a missing verb
is.
show examples
For example
, on the whole, babies born without talking or walking and they learn
these moment
Change the determiner
this moment
these moments
show examples
 from other’s activities and learn from them.
Therefore
,
children
 might
will stole
Wrong verb form
steal
show examples
 something if he/she
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 it in
TV
Add an article
a TV
the TV
show examples
 movie.
Secondly
, another group of people think that
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
show examples
 of passing
time
 to
show
TV
programs
are affected
Wrong verb form
affects
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children’s
 behaviors.
In other words
,
children
 become lazy
whereas
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 spend
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
time
front
Change preposition
in front
show examples
 of
television
Add an article
the television
show examples
.
For example
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
pf
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
children
 in Turkey,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not want to go outside and do not touch others.
As a result
, they have got some
seriously
Change the adverb
serious
show examples
 behaviors
such
 as lazy, lonely and asocial. Personally, spending a lot of
time
to
Change the verb form
showing
show examples
show
 some
TV
programs
 namely
sport match
Fix the agreement mistake
sports matches
show examples
,
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
 and movies
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
children’s
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
 in their studies. Take
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 instance, the
ministry
Capitalize word
Ministry
show examples
 of
education
Capitalize word
Education
show examples
 in Turkey released in 2017,
children’s
 marks have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined in
21th
Correct word choice
the 21st
show examples
 century. The cause of it students spend
many
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
time
to
Verb problem
watching
show examples
show
TV
channel
Fix the agreement mistake
channels
show examples
 at night with their parents.
Consequently
, they
had
Verb problem
did
show examples
 not
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 their homework at home. In conclusion, there is no doubt that what
children
 watch on
television
 and
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
show examples
 of
time
foe
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
 it has influences their behaviors.
Nevertheless
,
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
time
to follow
Change the verb form
following
show examples
TV
channel
Fix the agreement mistake
channels
show examples
 will
be
Verb problem
make people
show examples
 lonely and become
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
chronic diseases.
Submitted by ab.ciyani on

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Grammar & Accuracy
Focus on improving grammatical accuracy and range. Many sentences have grammatical errors that make them difficult to understand. Practice sentence structure and verb tenses.
Idea Development
Work on developing ideas more thoroughly. Some points are mentioned but not explained or supported with clear examples. Expand on your ideas by explaining why something is the case and how it supports your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance coherence by linking ideas more clearly within and between paragraphs. Use a wider range of linking words to show the relationships between your ideas.
Position Clarity
Clarify your position throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion. It's important for the reader to understand your stance from the beginning through consistent references to your viewpoint.
Supporting Examples
Use more specific examples to support your points. General statements are less convincing than detailed examples that clearly show how television watching habits influence behavior.
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