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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that culture will be ruined if it is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting culture. Discuss both sides give your own opinon.

#people #culture #tourism #revenue #opinon
In recent times, some argue that by using
culture
 as a kind of business for making money the traditions would be ruined,
while
 some others
lay
Verb problem
apply
show examples
claim that the tourism industry is the only way of protecting it. The in-depth analysis in the following paragraphs intends to discuss why
this
 essay explores tourism as beneficial to protecting
culture
 from disappearing.
To begin
 with, it cannot be ignored that as soon as businesses and making a profit show up, the purpose of everything would change to making a considerable amount of money.
Moreover
,
culture
 and traditions matter for many countries. It means that there are many historical events behind them. Not only should it be protected by citizens, but
also
 by governments and authorities.
As a result
, if governments earn a budget from the tourism industry, they would sacrifice anything else.
For example
, there are many palaces and ancient buildings all around the world which are used for visiting by foreign tourists. These amazing places have been destroyed because of many visitors who had no idea how to appreciate art and history and unfortunately, they wrote some notes on them.
On the other hand
, if nobody visits different countries, there would not be any opportunity for individuals to see various cultural heritage, the exact meaning of them would be vanished completely.
Moreover
, in the business of advertising, there is a kind of advertisement which is mouth to mouth,
this
 means that a product would become popular by talking about it, so it should be an example for
culture
 too.
For instance
, I
have been
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 to Paris a year ago and when I came back I talked about every single part of it everywhere, so obviously, I protected the
culture
 and history by myself. After scrutinizing both sides, what can be concluded is that
although
 considering
culture
 as a way of providing financial situations for a country may cause some problems, it is one of the most important solutions for preserving
culture
.
Submitted by royakarimi435 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve your score in 'Logical Structure,' ensure your essay contains a clear, logical sequence of ideas, making use of appropriate paragraphing. You should organize your arguments into clear paragraphs: an introduction, body paragraphs each discussing a distinct viewpoint or part of the argument, followed by a conclusion that summarizes your stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
For 'Introduction and Conclusion Present,' make sure your essay starts with a clear introduction that paraphrases the topic and presents your thesis statement. Conclude your essay by summarizing your arguments and restating your position in a different way, showing the examiner that you have addressed the topic comprehensively.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve in 'Supported Main Points,' it is paramount that each of your body paragraphs supports a single main idea or argument. This should be clear from the topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph. Additionally, develop your points by elaborating and providing examples or evidence.
Task Achievement
A 'Complete Response' needs you to address all parts of the task. Ensure you discuss both views and give your own opinion, making it clear throughout the essay. Your conclusion should reflect this comprehensive engagement with the task.
Task Achievement
For 'Clear and Comprehensive Ideas,' clarity and development of ideas are crucial. Ensure your essay is easy to understand and that you expand on your points thoroughly. Using specific examples to illustrate your arguments can greatly enhance the reader's comprehension and engagement.
Task Achievement
Incorporating 'Relevant, Specific Examples' is important for both illustrating your points and demonstrating an understanding of the topic. While you've provided some, ensuring these examples are detailed and directly relevant to the argument you are making will strengthen your essay significantly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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