IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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These days, the amount of
violence
 in
media
 is growing. Some
people
 believe that it has damaging effects
while
 others deny it has any significant effect on society. I believe that in most cases
media
violence
 doesn’t affect
people
's behaviour.
Firstly
, I think
people
 act on their motives, regardless of what they see on
television
.
That is
 to say, if someone intends to do harm to somebody,
that is
 not because of watching
television
 or playing
video
games
, but
due to
 the basic person’s character and educational background.
Moreover
,
video
games
 and
television
 may even reduce social
violence
 by providing a safe outlet for aggressiveness.
On the other hand
,
people
 may use
video
games
 to express their combative spirit so they can be more gentle in the real world.
This
 may not only help those
people
 but
also
 reduce the level of social
violence
 in a long-term perspective.
Finally
, despite many
people
 claiming that
media
violence
 has damaging effects. I have never seen a correlation between
violence
 in
media
 and social
violence
 in real life. I think everyone with critical thinking will agree and act wise in using the
media
 for the right purpose. Taking everything into consideration, I would say that
violence
 in
media
 has no effect on
people
’s behaviour. The social
violence
 that happens in the real world depends on
people
’s character.
Media
such
 as
television
 and
video
games
 are not the main factors that shape personal character, and they can be even useful in reducing the level of
violence
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Ensure your essay addresses all parts of the prompt clearly and directly. Your response seems to strongly focus on arguing why media violence does not significantly impact society. To enhance this, consider exploring the opposing viewpoint in greater depth to provide a more balanced analysis.
task achievement
For a stronger argument, include more varied and detailed examples. The essay mentions general outcomes but lacks specific instances or studies that substantiate your claims, which would make your argument more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help your essay flow more naturally.
coherence and cohesion
Consider developing your introduction and conclusion further. The introduction could more explicitly outline the points you intend to discuss, while the conclusion could re-emphasize the significance of your argument in a broader context.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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