IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you Agree or disagree?

#parents #children
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Some people deem that parents should be liable for making their
children
Use synonyms
 obese.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with
this
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 statement because healthy nutritional habits are
responsibility
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the responsibility
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 of tutors and health problems associated
to
Change preposition
with
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 malnourishment
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 infants make even more
kids
Use synonyms
 become ill adults.
However
Linking Words
, even though these mentioned aspects, there are some moot points which we will discuss in the following lines. There are many factors which have
impact
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an impact
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 on
children
Use synonyms
 becoming obese,
such
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 as genetics and
social-economic
Correct your spelling
socioeconomic
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 status.
Besides
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 that, nowadays, we are living
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
pandemic related to a
genertion
Correct your spelling
generation
 of
kids
Use synonyms
 who do not play outside because of the intense use of technological
gatgets
Correct your spelling
gadgets
.
Thus
Linking Words
, it
supposed
Add a missing verb
is supposed
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 to explain the gain of
wheight
Correct your spelling
weight
 on infants.
However
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, the basic thing
on
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about
show examples
 a healthy body for
children
Use synonyms
 or adults is conditioned by what we eat. And
unfortuntely
Correct your spelling
unfortunately
, it is widely
commom
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common
parents
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for parents
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having
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to have
show examples
 their supermarket
trollers
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trolleys
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 full of
soft-drinks
Correct your spelling
soft drinks
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, savoury snacks and sugary
food
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of natural fruits and vegetables.
As a consequence
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, many
kids
Use synonyms
 are suffering from diabetes and obesity because of the ingestion of
industrilized
Correct your spelling
industrialized
industrialised
 and
ultraprocessed
Correct your spelling
ultra-processed
ultra processed
food
Use synonyms
.
It is clear that
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this
Linking Words
 triggers bad nutrition guided by bad choices.
In addition
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, these future adults will bring their health problems with them
in
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into
show examples
 their adulthood, as far as the intense consumerism of unhealthy
food
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Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
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 will make them chronically ill people.
To conclude
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, as we can see, there are many factors which can develop obesity in
children
Use synonyms
 associated
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 social conditions,
genetic
Replace the word
genetics
show examples
, or lack of activity, but the main problem is generated by parents who provide low-quality
food
Use synonyms
 to their
kids
Use synonyms
.
Thus
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, they are completely responsible for
this
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.
Submitted by carinabmurakami on

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task achievement
Ensure a clear opinion throughout the essay. Although your stance is evident, reiterating or emphasizing it in the conclusion can strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance flow and readability. While the current use is competent, further variety can demonstrate higher language proficiency.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples or data to substantiate your arguments. This could include statistics or studies related to diet and obesity among children.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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