IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people prefer full-time jobs because they offer stability. Other people prefer casual jobs because of the freedom they offer. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #jobs #offer #stability #freedom
Something that everyone will agree about
that
Add a missing verb
is that
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 we need to work to earn money and to meet our financial commitments.
While
 some
people
 prefer a casual or part-time
job
, I believe
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 full-time
job
 is better than
Correct article usage
a casual
show examples
casual
Correct pronoun usage
casual one
show examples
. It is probably true that there are some benefits to the casual
job
. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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casual jobs come with flexible timing, and
therefore
 an
employee
 enjoys the privilege
to manage
Change preposition
of managing
show examples
 his or her working schedule.
For example
, one of my friends always works as a part-time
employee
, so that she can pay more time to her child. If she were working as
full-time
Correct article usage
a full-time
show examples
 staff, she would need to hire a maid for her child. A casual
job
 is a good option when one of the family members is working as a full-time
employee
.
On the other hand
, a full-time
job
 provides several advantages. Most
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
,
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
prefer a full-time
job
Verb problem
apply
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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first because it helps
Change preposition
with
show examples
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 long-term financial planning. Since a full-time
job
 provides a flexible income for a relatively long time, it supports a stable plan, which eventually helps us to meet our critical financial commitments,
such
 as child education, housing
loan
Fix the agreement mistake
loans
show examples
, and so on.
For instance
, If I were not working as a full-time
employee
, I would be ever able to finance my wife’s education and car loan.
In addition
 to
this
, as most of the full-time positions are permanent,
such
 jobs provide
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
job
 security and peace of mind. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 prefer to engage in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 casual
job
, as it allows more time to spend with family,
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
 who need to meet several financial commitments full-time
job
 is the best option.
Submitted by viewsoysoongnern on

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task response
To improve in task response, ensure to address all parts of the prompt equally. The essay did well in discussing both views and giving a personal opinion but could include a more balanced discussion with equal treatment to both views. Additionally, developing your opinion with more depth and clearer reasons would enhance your task response score.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, aim to structure your ideas more clearly. The essay has a logical structure but can benefit from clearer paragraphing and use of linking words to guide the reader through your argument more smoothly. Furthermore, varying sentence structures and ensuring that each paragraph flows naturally into the next will enhance readability and cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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