IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Watching television is bad for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is irrefutable that
television
Use synonyms
 is one of the most important inventions of modern science, which plays a significant role not only in society but
also
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 in fostering
children
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's attitudes.
However
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, watching
television
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 excessively causes some problems relating to physical and mental ability.
Therefore
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, I completely agree with
this
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 notion, and I will explain the reasons in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, nowadays,
children
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 tend to spend their maximum time watching
television
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, and
this
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 is because their parents are mostly engaged in their professional careers rather than appropriate parenting.
For example
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, in Bangladesh, most working women decide to keep their
children
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 either in the house with a technological gadget like a
television
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 or to allocate their
children
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 to a daycare centre. On top of that, the
children
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 who are addicted badly to watching
television
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 have been experiencing various types of physical issues like obesity and social anxiety.
Therefore
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, the
children
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 have not been interested in making new relationships with other people because of their social fears.
On the other hand
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, watching
television
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 may help them increase their mental aptitude as they can easily get the latest information around the globe.
In other words
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, the more information
children
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 gain by watching
television
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, the more success they will gain in their future personal and professional lives.
In addition
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 to that,
children
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 may be able to acquire life skills like cooking and sports by watching
television
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 in their spare time, and
this
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 is why it is true that watching
television
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 is good for
children
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 to some extent. In conclusion, watching
television
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 in a limited way may help
children
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 improve their life skills. I firmly believe that
children
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 will face stiff challenges
such
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 as social anxiety and mental disorders in their future lives if they spend most of their time watching
television
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.

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Task response
To improve task response, ensure a balanced approach when addressing the topic. Your essay leans heavily towards the negative aspect without fully exploring the conditions under which watching television could be beneficial. Providing a more nuanced view can enhance your task achievement score.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, while your essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques to link ideas more smoothly. This could involve adding more transition phrases that guide the reader through your argument, making your overall structure more compelling and easier to follow.
Task achievement
In terms of task achievement, including more specific examples or data to back up your points can make your arguments more convincing. While you provide general examples, incorporating detailed instances or statistics could further strengthen your case and improve the relevance and specificity of your examples.
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