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Writing Samples
Band 5

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What are the reasons for this and how can the problem be tackled?

#improvements #healthcare #health #countries
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Although
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 the
health
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 sectors are improving, the physical
health
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 of many
people
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 especially in developing nations is still declining.
This
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 essay will discuss how
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and unhealthy eating
habits
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 can affect
Use synonyms
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of individuals and how can exercise help solve
this
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. One of the reasons for the decline in
health
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 in many countries is because of a sedentary lifestyle.
People
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 nowadays either play games or update their social media accounts in the comfort of their beds. And
this
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 lack of physical activity can be detrimental to
health
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.
In addition
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, unhealthy eating
habits
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also
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 contribute to many
health
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 problems. Most
people
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 with busy schedules are eating fast food because it is convenient and there is no preparation needed.
However
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,
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 poor eating
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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 can lead to problems
such
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 as obesity and heart disease.
For instance
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, most nurses in the Philippines are eating fast food because they do not have time to prepare their meals because of their busy
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
.
Thus
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, sedentary behaviour and poor eating
habits
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 are detrimental to
health
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. Despite these issues, it can be addressed by promoting exercise. Physical activity can burn unwanted fats in the body, help improve the function of the heart, and improve the
overall
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health
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 of individuals. Physical activities can be implemented in schools and workplaces.
For instance
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, school officials can implement regular exercise routines before starting their classes.
Also
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, employers can give incentives to employees who use the stairs rather than the elevator.
Thus
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, incorporating physical activity into the daily routine can help improve the well-being of
people
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, despite the improvement in healthcare, the physical
health
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 of most individuals is still declining because of their sedentary lifestyle and poor eating
habits
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.
However
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, I believe that exercising can be a good measure to rescue the failing
health
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 of the community.
Submitted by yoko.onerom on

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Task Response
Enhance the development of your main points by providing more varied and detailed examples. Real-world statistics, studies, or broader examples could strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on integrating a wider range of linking phrases and transitional words to improve the flow of your essay. This will make your arguments clearer and more cohesive to the reader.
Task Response
To improve task response, ensure that every part of the question is fully addressed. Include a more thorough analysis or discussion on potential solutions or interventions beyond exercise, as the question asks for reasons and 'how the problem can be tackled', indicating the need for a variety of solutions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of physical health
  • developed countries
  • falling
  • lifestyle changes
  • unhealthy habits
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • lack of physical activity
  • fast food
  • unhealthy diets
  • stress
  • mental health issues
  • environmental factors
  • lack of education
  • awareness
  • government policies
  • regulations
  • promotion of healthy habits
  • awareness campaigns
  • stricter regulations
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • physical activity
  • exercise programs
  • balanced diet
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