IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Expert say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with their family and friends , whereas , now many suffer loneliness and health problems . What are the causes of this and what are some solutions?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Experts say that now many elderly
people
Use synonyms
 experience loneliness and health problems,
while
Linking Words
 in the past they were happier and healthier because they were physically active and spent more time with their loved ones.
This
Linking Words
 essay intends to discuss the reasons and solutions to
this
Linking Words
 problem. There are many reasons why elderly
people
Use synonyms
 do not participate in physical activities.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
due to
Linking Words
 advancements in technology old
people
Use synonyms
 like to spend most of their time in the comfort of their homes. They are more interested in watching a movie, or sport or listening to
news
Add an article
the news
show examples
 on the TV.
This
Linking Words
 has made older generation of
today
Use synonyms
 lazy as compared to older generations in the past.
This
Linking Words
 has led to an increase in a number of health problems like diabetes, high blood pressure and heart diseases. Modern lifestyle is having a negative effect on old-aged individuals
today
Use synonyms
. The second reason is the lack of contact with family members. Nowadays, humans live in nuclear families. Individuals usually leave their parents or grandparents to live alone.
This
Linking Words
 has led to old individuals feeling isolated and lonely. They do not have anyone to share their feelings.
This
Linking Words
 results in the older generation of
today
Use synonyms
 being less happy. The solutions are not easy. Old
people
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to do exercises. They should be made aware of the benefits of exercising in old age.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 way they can prevent many diseases if they take care of their health.
Also
Linking Words
, family members should always keep in contact with the elderly. Even if they are not living with them, they should make a phone call and ask them about the day-to-day happenings in their lives.
This
Linking Words
 will make the older
people
Use synonyms
 feel loved and valued.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there are many reasons why the elderly are unhappy and unhealthy
today
Use synonyms
, I believe
this
Linking Words
 problem can be solved if they
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
engage themselves in exercise and spend more time with friends and family.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and states the purpose of the essay, which is commendable. However, consider rephrasing the thesis statement for greater clarity. For example, specify the causes and solutions more distinctly.
coherence
Ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. This will strengthen the logical flow throughout the essay.
task achievement
You provided solutions that are relevant but could benefit from more specificity. For instance, include examples of specific types of exercise older adults might engage in or community programs that promote family interactions.
coherence
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
You have effectively identified relevant causes and solutions, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: