IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Whether cutting-edge technology should replace humans in workplace

#technology #humans #workplace
Whether cutting-edge
technology
 should replace
humans
 in
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 is a recurring argument.
This
 writer argues that the benefits of improving
safety
 and higher productivity outweigh the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
 of The most advantageous factor of the
technology
 is that it can help improve
safety
 at
work
.
In other words
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
replacing
humans
 at
work
, especially physically demanding
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, can enhance
safety
 by minimizing the risk of accidents, injuries, and health hazards. From prior knowledge, IoT has been
using
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 by several organizations around the world to monitor equipment’s condition in order to solve the issue
instead
 of letting people go and check it by themselves, which could lead to a massive hazard.
Thus
, technological advances can help improve workplace
safety
. Accuracy must
also
 be considered. It must be recognized that automatic machines can perform tasks way more accurately than
humans
 because they are programmed to
work
.
This
 can be particularly valuable in fields that require complex or repetitive
work
,
such
 as manufacturing or data analysis and prediction.
A
Change the article
An
show examples
 experiment conducted by
Department
Correct article usage
the Department
show examples
 of Radiology showed that industrial robots rarely made mistakes and were more precise than human
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 by producing a greater quantity in a shorter amount of time.
Thereby
Rephrase
Therefore
show examples
,
technology
 should be applied
instead
 of hiring more employees.
However
, a few people
afraid
Add a missing verb
were afraid
show examples
 that their jobs would
be take
Change the verb form
be taking
be taken
show examples
 over by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
robotic systems. They believe that the development and popularity of new
technology
 could cause negative consequences, like lower wages, de-skilling…
This
 may be true, but by applying modern
technology
, redundant tasks can be reduced and new jobs can be created.
Consequently
, the development of
technology
 often leads to the creation of new roles. Taking all points into account, the
safety
 security and higher degree of consistency outweighed the possibility of
lossing
Correct your spelling
losing
 jobs to machines.
Hence
, up-to-date
technology
 can be more beneficial for
humans
.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
Begin by writing a clear introduction, briefly outlining your main arguments. Your introduction was a bit abrupt and missing a clear thesis statement.
Task Response
Ensure your essay mentions and addresses the prompt directly throughout. Your argument seems to deviate from the central question of whether technology should replace humans.
Balancing Arguments
Develop your ideas fully. The section against technology replacing humans is underdeveloped compared to the sections in favor.
Coherence
Use concluding sentences at the end of each paragraph to summarize and link back to the essay question.
Conclusion
Include a clear, concise conclusion that restates your stance, summarizes your main points, and links back to the essay question. Your essay lacks a strong conclusion.
Cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs, improving the flow of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: