IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

All fathers should be entitled to time-off from work when their children are born. What is your opinion?

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Today, the
role
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 of
fathers
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 as
care-givers
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caregivers
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 within the family has received increasing attention from policy and research in the
last
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 decade. More and more
fathers
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 apply for parental leave so that they can spend more time with their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 in the first years of
baby’s
Correct article usage
the baby’s
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 life. In my opinion,
this
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 is an essential concept and I strongly agree with
this
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 viewpoint.
To begin
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 with, there are some main reasons why
paternity
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 leave is a vital necessity for dads.
Firstly
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, taking time off around the birth of
child
Add an article
a child
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 not only leads parents to
taking
Change the verb form
take
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 a greater
role
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 in caring for their children, but
also
Linking Words
 emotional bonds and attachments would be developed in families.
Furthermore
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, it
also
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 allows
fathers
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 to take a more active
role
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 in childcare, something which is becoming increasingly important in modern society.
For example
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,
fathers
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 can spend quality time holding, cuddling, feeding, and putting the baby to sleep, allowing mothers to rest and recover from childbirth.
Hence
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,
fathers
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 need to attend the childbirth, take
paternity
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 leave and participate in the process of childcare for these bonds to be formed.
Moreover
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, providing
paternity
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 leave sends a message to employees that their employer values work-life balance and family commitments.
This
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 can lead to greater employee satisfaction, loyalty, and productivity.
In other words
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, when employees feel supported in their personal lives, they are more likely to feel satisfied with their jobs. For illustration, a study revealed that organizations with
paternity
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 leave policies
also
Linking Words
 witnessed higher rates of employee loyalty.
Consequently
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,
this
Linking Words
 leads to increased job satisfaction and a positive perception of the employer. In conclusion,
paternity
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 leave not only plays a crucial
role
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 in empowering
fathers
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 to be actively involved in the upbringing of their children during the first years of their baby's life
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
Linking Words
 creates a positive workplace culture that benefits both employees and the organization as well.

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Introduction
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the topics and view that you will be discussing in the essay. This sets clear expectations for the reader.
Paragraph Structure
In your paragraphs, aim to have clear topic sentences that explain what the paragraph will be about, followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence that summarizes or reiterates the main idea.
Linking Words
To enhance coherence, use a variety of linking words and phrases to show the relationships between ideas. Examples include 'Furthermore', 'For example', and 'Consequently', but be careful not to overuse them.
Examples
Providing more specific examples and evidence to support your points could strengthen your argument. Ensure that these examples are directly related to the topic and illustrate your point clearly.
Conclusion
Always aim to have a conclusion that restates your main points and your stance on the topic. This helps to reinforce your argument to the reader and provides a strong ending to the essay.
Task Response
For task achievement, ensure that all parts of the prompt are addressed clearly in your essay. Each paragraph should contribute to developing your argument in relation to the task prompt.
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