IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the government should spend money on supporting cultural activities such as music, theater or art. Others think this is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #money #activities #music #theater #art #waste
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There has been a rising debate on whether the government should offer more funding for preserving cultural practices.
While
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 it is understandable that some regard
this
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 movement as a waste, I believe that governmental expenses
shall
Verb problem
should
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 be provided for supporting culture and I will put these two opposing views under discussion in the following essay. On the one hand, spending monetary resources on cultural activities may arguably be wasteful. There are too many existing predicaments around the globe to solve, ranging from environmental to societal ones. These can result in devastating consequences for humanity and there is simply no point expending on cultural values
instead
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 of addressing these issues first.
Furthermore
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, many argue that traditional music or art can prevail without any help from the government. Supporting
this
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 notion, the painting of Mona Lisa by Da Vinci or
compositions
Correct article usage
the compositions
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 of Beethoven can be taken as a paradigm of masterpieces that have triumphed over time and still be relevant in the contemporary era.
On the other hand
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, it is indisputable that traditional values must be sustained with governmental expenditures.
While
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 some are still considered prevalent, many less popular practices are on the line
due to
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 the ever-changing
norm
Fix the agreement mistake
norms
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 of today’s society. Despite their inferior popularity, they still play a crucial role in communities
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 treasure these customs.
For instance
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, water puppetry, a theatrical show performed by a sole minor Vietnamese ethnicity, is bound to sink into oblivion as for the lack of
heir
Add an article
an heir
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. More resources,
therefore
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, should be utilized to propagandize
such
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 traditions for the ultimate goal of preventing them from being obsolete. In conclusion, albeit confronted by numerous conundrums, the government must devote more financial aid
in
Change preposition
to
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 preserving cultural activities as some are pivotal for the well-being of our society as a whole.
Submitted by conghoanglan312 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the scope of the essay and your stance. Your current introduction sets up the essay well, but making your position even more explicit from the beginning can strengthen the reader's understanding.
task achievement
To bolster your argument, incorporate more varied and detailed examples. While you mention specific cultural practices such as water puppetry, expanding on how government support could directly benefit such traditions would make your argument more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
For a more cohesive and coherent essay, try to link your paragraphs and ideas more tightly. Using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through your argument seamlessly.
task achievement
Consider introducing counterarguments in your body paragraphs then refuting them to strengthen your position. This technique can also aid in demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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