IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

#children #hours #smartphones
It is undeniable that nowadays youths spend most of their leisure time on mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
.
This
 essay will examine and analyze both the positive and negative development
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
cellphone
Fix the agreement mistake
cellphones
show examples
 with assisting examples.
At
Change preposition
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, There are several positive
impact
Change to a plural noun
impacts
show examples
assosciated
Correct your spelling
associated
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 it. The first and foremost is noticing today's generation
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
 they
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 so
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
 and knowledgeable
comparing
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to adults,
Likewise
Add a comma
Likewise,
show examples
 they are able to get news about
globe
Add an article
the globe
show examples
 which will definitely help those students who are willing to
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
further
 study
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
abroad. To support it, They can take extra classes which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 related to their
ungoing
Correct your spelling
ongoing
 book courses through online websites.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 youth are
incoming
Verb problem
receiving
show examples
 high wages through mobile games which makes effortless life.
To
Change preposition
On
show examples
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, As every positivity carries some
sorts
Fix the agreement mistake
sort
show examples
 of negativity so there are some demerits
also
. One major
disadvantages
Change to a singular noun
disadvantage
show examples
 is we can observe
extensive
Change the article
an extensive
the extensive
show examples
 number of kids
wear
Wrong verb form
wearing
show examples
 sunglasses because of the bright screen which directly
harm
Correct subject-verb agreement
harms
show examples
 their
eye
Fix the agreement mistake
eyes
show examples
 and health. A good example is that my sister used to score massively high till class 9 but
due to
 the massive use of mobile
phones
Add a comma
phones,
show examples
 her grade
reduce
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
 little by little which
cause
Wrong verb form
caused
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 view
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 her identification
as well as
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 her interest towards study. Another
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
notable
disadvantages
Replace the adjective
disadvantage
show examples
 is
loosing
Correct your spelling
losing
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
frienships
Correct your spelling
friendships
friendship
 and bonding
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 hometown friends and neighbours.
Furthermore
,
This
 can be understood by parents and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 to make them
realized
Wrong verb form
realise
show examples
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
theirs
Correct the word
their
show examples
 future and responsibility towards
nation
Add an article
the nation
show examples
. In a
nut shell
Correct your spelling
nutshell
show examples
,
Although
 there are some non-negligible negative impacts of smartphones in
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 life but still the festivity
also
 positive sides
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
holds
Correct subject-verb agreement
hold
show examples
 will definitely outweigh the ill effects.
Submitted by bibekluitel758 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
It's important to make sure your essay structure is clear and logical. Consider starting with an introduction that clearly outlines your argument, followed by paragraphs that each discuss a single point, and concluding with a summary of your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make sure to use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas. However, also ensure these links are used appropriately and help clarify the relationship between ideas.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the task, but could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the subject. Consider adding more specific examples and deeper analysis to fully address the question.
Task Achievement
For a clearer and more comprehensive presentation of your ideas, ensure each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by specific examples or evidence. This will help strengthen your argument and make your writing more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: