IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people believe that universities should make sports a compulsory module on all degree courses as rates of obesity are getting higher and higher. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #universities #sports #module #courses #rates #obesity
Several individuals hold the vision that educational institutions ought to make
sports
 lessons mandatory and it may help to handle obesity among the young generation. I strongly believe that including
sports
 classes is an effective way to decrease their overeating behaviours. Obviously, students after entering the university can face several problems. There are lots of things that they have to adapt.
Likewise
, the subjects that they are taught are intensely challenging.
As a result
 of
this
, they do not pay attention to their eating habits and there can be an increasing tendency to consume food. When learners have compulsory hours of physical activities it may contribute to avoiding becoming overweight,
as well as
 obtain an inspiration to do exercises.
Furthermore
,
at the end
 of their education years, students may understand the value of motor activities.
For instance
, when I was at school I had never thought about the importance of
sports
 classes,
however
 after graduating there is hard to do some
sports
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since I did not have skills in
sports
 areas.
On the other hand
, when students will be forced to attend
sports
 sections during their academy years. Numerous pieces of training will possess an intension to receive a high score,
as a consequence
 they become good at sport, and
such
 as activities will be as a part of their life. When human beings do sport constantly, there is a high chance of preventing the worst eating habits,
consequently
, they can escape from chronic diseases or obesity. Summing up, including mandatory classes of sport as a part of the education system at the universities can serve as a significant tool to handle fatness among youngsters.
Besides
, learners
are be
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 able to be more disciplined after attending those subjects constantly and observing the significance of
sports
.
Submitted by sayazhorabek9466 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. This helps in making your argument stronger and more coherent.
Language
Use a variety of sentence structures to make your writing more interesting and to demonstrate your language skills.
Language
Be wary of repetitive phrases and try to find synonyms or alternative expressions to convey your points. This will enhance the vocabulary range demonstrated in your essay.
Language
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Although they do not significantly impact your score, improving them would polish your essay and show attention to detail.
Task Achievement
You effectively addressed the prompt, providing a clear opinion and reasons to support your stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
You demonstrated the ability to organize your ideas logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples and reasons were provided to support your main points, contributing to a well-developed argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: