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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, crime rates are increasing. What are the causes of this problem? What can be done about it?

#countries #crime #rates
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Nowadays,
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
 rate is increasing
day
 by
day
. In most of the countries,
people
 are not having an afraid of doing something wrong. In
this
 essay, we will discuss some reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
growing
Correct article usage
the growing
show examples
crime
 rate or what will be the solution for it.
Firstly
, one of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 is
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 population which leads to various problems
such
 as unemployment.
People
 are not getting jobs as
per
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
required
according to
 their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
. They study as lot even they achieve degrees in their life but they did not get any
job
 in future without any reference.
This
 develops
Correct article usage
a
show examples
negative effect on the mind
fo
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
current
Correct article usage
the current
show examples
 generation and they think they are sure that they are not going to get any
job
 in future as per their achievements, they need only a special personality for reference in getting
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
.
This
 creates violence in the minds of
current
Add an article
the current
show examples
 generation.
Secondly
,
people
 wants to earn more income by doing less efforts. For
this
, they adopt
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
 ways to become
richest
Correct article usage
the richest
show examples
 or
successful
Correct quantifier usage
most successful
show examples
 in a few days.
Also
, patience level is decreasing
day
 by
day
 among them. There is
also
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in machine work,
due to
 the advancement in technology, manual work
was
Verb problem
has
show examples
 decreased which leads to unemployment in the economy. In
this
 modern era,
people
 are more fashionable and
also
 expenses are increased which are hard to be met by common individuals and leads to increase
crime
 rate in country. To solve
this
 problem, government has to make efforts to create awareness in general public that how they can manage their expenses or generate income by participating in different activities like games, quizzes and other things which will be beneficial in their life. Government
also
 has to generate new employment opportunities for current generation so, that they can get their
job
according to
 their achievements and they did not get involved in any
crime
 activities. They will be able to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their basic needs. They can remain busy
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their work and
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not get much time to think about negative things.
Submitted by Kamaljeetkaur6968 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to make your essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear conclusion that summarises your main points and suggests a solution or reflection.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples to support your arguments. Real-world examples or statistics can make your argument much stronger.
task achievement
Make sure your essay addresses all parts of the task. Provide a balanced discussion on the causes of the problem and potential solutions.
task achievement
Try to avoid generalisations. Make your argument more convincing by being specific about which countries you are referring to or what kind of crimes are increasing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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