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Band 6

Some people say that the best way to discourage smoking is to make smoking illegal in public places. Other people say that this is not enough, and that other measures are needed.

#people #places #measures
Currently, the topic of smoking is something which bears some consideration. In my opinion,
laws
 against smoking in public places will do a lot to discourage
this
 unpleasant and unhealthy habit, and I do not believe any
further
measures
 are needed. It must be understood that
laws
 have great importance and influence in today’s society.
This
 is because
laws
 can be applied to everybody of all ages who commit crimes
such
 as smoking in public places
as well as
 make smoking illegal.
Furthermore
,
laws
also
 can be used to sentence criminals and put them in prison or apply some monetary penalties when
people
 smoke.
As a result
, the rate of smoking in public will be reduced and citizens can be prevented from breathing cigarette smoke or going down with lung cancer.
However
, some
people
 believe that
laws
 are not strong enough to deal with the smoking issue and
further
measures
 are needed.
Due to
 the fact that law can not make
people
 totally obey or implement the regulations,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it should be supported by other methods in parallel in order to effectively tackle smoking illegal in society.
As a result
, more and more criminals will try to find a way to commit crimes without being caught. To an certain they are right but if the law is applied accurately and strictly toward the offenders who smoke in public, it will have a great influence on non-smokers' mindset and awareness. It is the opinion of
this
 writer that
laws
 can do a great deal to reduce smoking.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that smoking is a public health hazard and should be outlawed. Other
measures
such
 as education or taxes may affect the rate of smoking but not not really as effective as
laws
.
Therefore
, only
laws
 can affect non-smokers and everybody can have the accessibility to deep knowledge about
laws
instead
 of education or anything else.
Thus
, the great influence of
laws
 and the effectiveness with which
laws
 affect
people
 are essential points that need to be considered.
Hence
, it should have been shown that
laws
 can deal with smoking issues and other
measures
 are not needed.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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Task Achievement
Work on providing more specific examples and evidence to substantiate your points about laws against smoking, which would enhance the depth of your argument.
Task Achievement
Expand on alternative measures beyond laws and explain why these are less effective, to fully address all parts of the question statement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to guide the reader more smoothly from one idea to another, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by specific examples or explanations, to increase the clarity of your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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