IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people say that schools are no longer necessary because children can get so much information available through the Internet and they can study just as well as at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #schools #children #information #internet #study #home
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Some content that youngsters nowadays can still gain good academic performance from the comfort of their homes through online knowledge.
As a result
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, it is not necessary to commute to school. Personally, I hold a different perspective toward
this
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 approach. In
this
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 essay, the justification for my view will be explored in detail. On the one hand, it is undeniable that the
Internet
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 has significantly changed the way in which students approach
information
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. To be more specific, they can use search engines to ask any question and access websites that contain related
information
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 or answers.
Hence
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, the
Internet
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 has been considered a useful tool that supports children effectively in their studies.
On the other hand
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, I firmly believe that relying solely on online knowledge can pose certain drawbacks for students.
Firstly
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, they may face unreliable
information
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. The
Internet
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 is viewed as an open database storage where all
information
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 can be posted without restriction or regulation. Under
such
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 circumstances, they might encounter difficulties in acknowledging whether a piece of
information
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 is trustworthy or not, leading to confusion and misunderstanding.
Secondly
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,
this
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 approach might have negative effects on the
overall
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 well-being of children. Sitting in front of a computer screen can foster a sedentary lifestyle which lacks physical activities, leading to health problems
such
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 as obesity and diabetes.
Furthermore
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, studying online for hours can reduce the opportunities for face-to-face interaction with other people.
This
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 is because they might have fewer chances to engage in outdoor activities,
such
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 as sports teams or art clubs, which are only available in school settings. These activities not only improve their mental health but
also
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 help them to develop strong interpersonal skills which are helpful for their future career. In conclusion,
while
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 the
Internet
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 can significantly support students’ learning journey, online
information
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 is not always reliable and online learning can adversely affect students’ well-being.
Therefore
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, schools still play a crucial role in education and
this
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 role cannot be replaced.
Submitted by nguyenlyacbd on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic and outlines the points that will be discussed. This has been achieved to some extent, but making your thesis statement more prominent could strengthen your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. While the essay is well-structured, the usage of advanced linking words could enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your points. While the examples mentioned are relevant, elaborating on these with more specificity could make your argument more convincing and enhance task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, consider revising the paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses a single main idea with a topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences and a concluding statement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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