IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that what children watch on television influences their behavior, while others say the amount of time children spend watching television influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Nowadays, most
of
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apply
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companies spend a lot of money on
adversting
Correct your spelling
advertising
 and promotions for several reasons. Some argue that the marketing has achieved
attract
Wrong verb form
attracted
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people
Use synonyms
 to purchase their
products
Use synonyms
,
while
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 others believe that
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 do not follow or read promotions properly. In my opinion, I think that the marketing is able to push
people
Use synonyms
 to buy it. On the one hand, the main cause of adverts
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
that they attract individuals to use their materials is human nature.
In other words
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,
people
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are usually interest
Change the verb form
are usually interested
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into
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in
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 what
that
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apply
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they see it.
Therefore
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,
majority
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the majority
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 of large companies advertise their manufacturing.
For example
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,
Correct article usage
the Iphone
show examples
Iphone
Correct your spelling
iPhone
show examples
 company doubled their profits in 2011 in
comparating
Verb problem
comparison to
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 2010.
This
Linking Words
 is
beause
Correct your spelling
because
Correct article usage
the Iphone
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Iphone
Correct your spelling
iPhone
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 Organization created
really
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a really
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facsinating vedio
Correct your spelling
fascinating video
 for marketing their
products
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 and
spread
Wrong verb form
spreading
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 it in different countries. As
aresult
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a result
, more and more citizenships had known about their technical
products
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such
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 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
,
computer
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computers
show examples
 etc, and bought them.
On the other hand
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, the main cause of promotions which
that
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apply
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it is absolutely ordinary
todays
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today
 and they can not encourage
people
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buy
Add the particle
to buy
show examples
 them is
giving
Verb problem
that they makes it
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 feel boring . Obviously, many
people
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 and customers complain about companies’ advertising .
This
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 is because when they want to spend time on
Correct article usage
the internet
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internet
Capitalize word
Internet
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 they
obligate
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are obligated
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 to read or watch adverts and they take
marketıng
Correct your spelling
marketing
massages
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messages
show examples
 ragularly from shops where they bought their materials before.
Hence
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,
people
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prefer
Add the particle
prefer to
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 avoid
from
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apply
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the annoying . Personally, I think that the perfect praise adverts
has
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have
show examples
push
Wrong verb form
pushed
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poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 to consume
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. In fact,
individiuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
affect
Wrong verb form
are affected
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 positively or negatively
from
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by
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 seeing
thing
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things
show examples
.
Thus
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, big factories invest in following customers what they need to
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apply
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it
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apply
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or
interst
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interest
Correct your spelling
in
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int
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in
show examples
Wrong verb form
using
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use
Replace the word
using
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.
For instance
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,
Correct article usage
the head
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head
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the head
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 manager of Zara Clothes Shopping company said that they
spend
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spent
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 around one million dollars
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on
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to
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on
show examples
Correct article usage
the technology
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technology
Correct article usage
the technology
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
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system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
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. It can
following
Change the verb form
follow
be following
show examples
costumers
Correct your spelling
customers
show examples
 to use their
products
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 if they need
and
Correct pronoun usage
them and
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 automatically send them their marketing
deal
Fix the agreement mistake
deals
show examples
. In conclusion, the advertising impact on encouraging to
Correct your spelling
buy
show examples
bu
Correct your spelling
buy
show examples
 their
products
Use synonyms
 or not is
controversial
Add an article
a controversial
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 topic and
due to
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 the reasons
Correct your spelling
mentioned
metioned
Correct your spelling
mentioned
 above
is
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it
show examples
 seems more logical that the marketing has ability
people
Use synonyms
 to purchase

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, focus on fully answering the given prompt by discussing both views and providing your opinion clearly. Ensure each paragraph contributes to a complete response.
task achievement
To increase clarity and the comprehensiveness of your ideas, expand on your reasoning with more detailed examples and explanations. This will help to make your argument more persuasive and easier to follow.
task achievement
Strengthen your essay by using a mix of specific, relevant examples and explaining in detail how they support your points. This will enrich your argument and make it more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
For a better logical structure, organize your essay into clear paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Ensure there is a logical flow from one idea to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your essay has a distinct introduction and conclusion. The introduction should present the topic and your thesis statement, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your main points are well-supported with explanations, examples, and arguments that logically follow from your thesis. This will make your essay more coherent and cohesive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • content quality
  • social skills
  • behavioral impact
  • role models
  • parental guidance
  • screen time
  • educational programs
  • observational learning
  • antisocial behavior
  • moral values
  • imitation
  • physical health
  • social interaction
  • academic performance
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