IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some believe that violent computer games are just a for of entertainment while others think that they lead directly to violent behaviour. Discuss both views and give you opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some argue that the purpose of
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 that
contains
Change the verb form
contain
show examples
 violence is to entertain,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it can lead to aggressive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
 there is a chance for children to become aggressive if they play violent
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 without guidance from parents, I believe that it helps more in relieving stress than initiating violent activity. On the one hand, some argue that online gaming can lead to aggressiveness.
This
Linking Words
 is especially applicable to children who play it without supervision from their parents. There is a chance that they
with
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
 get desentisized with violence and they will think that it is okay and normal to do the same.
For example
Linking Words
, one study showed that kids who played violent
video
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 more cranky after their computer was suddenly shut down.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that if their guardians
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
explain to them properly that there will be consequences if they imitate
such
Linking Words
 activity, there is a low chance that these kids will become violent.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 can be a good way to relieve stress. After long hours from work or school, spending
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 hours playing it with family and friends can be a good way of leisure time. It can help the mind relax and release the tension of the day.
For instance
Linking Words
,
games
Use synonyms
 like PUBG
requires
Correct subject-verb agreement
require
show examples
 playing with a group of people in order to defeat
other team
Change the wording
another team
other teams
show examples
. Playing it with friends and interacting with them, can help the player forget his stressful day. In conclusion, I believe that
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 a good stress reliever for people and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can only lead to aggressive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 if children
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
play
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 without supervision.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve in Task Response, take the time to develop your arguments more fully. Making sure to have a more balanced discussion of both views before stating your opinion can make your essay stronger. Also, directly link your opinion to the arguments made for a clearer stance.
coherence cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, focus on linking sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Utilize a variety of linking words and phrases beyond 'on the one hand/on the other hand.' Also, ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs will strengthen your essay structure.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: