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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The use of recreational drugs is on the increase, especially among young people. Describe the reasons for this worrying issue and provide suggestions to minimize it.

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Recreational
Use synonyms
drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
usage
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, especially among
teenagers
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, is currently in an increasing trend.
This
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 essay will explain the two underlying causes which are social
pressure
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 and
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convenience
Correct article usage
the convenience
show examples
 of getting the
drugs
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;
while
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suggest
Wrong verb form
suggesting
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to
Change preposition
that
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conduct
Verb problem
apply
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drugs
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disadvantages
Correct subject-verb agreement
disadvantage
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 socalization and establish
parents
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 as
support
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 systems that may hinder
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youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 in trying the
drugs
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. Young people's recreational
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drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
 consumption behaviour is driven by social
pressure
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 and
convenience
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 of the
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drugs
Fix the agreement mistake
drug
show examples
usage
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.
To begin
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 with, during the time when
Use synonyms
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 are socializing with each other, they usually are
also
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 using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recreational
drugs
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. In several cases in Indonesia,
for example
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,
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drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
usage
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 among
teenagers
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 usually
are happening
Wrong verb form
happens
show examples
 during a party. The
drugs
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, from the
youngster
Use synonyms
's point of view, help them to be relaxed;
thus
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, they can enjoy each other company.
Lastly
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, the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
usage
Use synonyms
 was attributed to
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convenience
Add an article
the convenience
show examples
 of getting the items. There is a case of
Use synonyms
drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
 distribution in Indonesia,
for instance
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, that was made possible by inserting the
drugs
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 in a candy-like package.
Therefore
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, given the social
pressure
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 and
convenience
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 to retrieve the
drugs
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, it explains why youngsters fall into consuming
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recreational
drugs
Use synonyms
. Given the fact that the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
usage
Use synonyms
 among
teenagers
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 is detrimental to the
youngster
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's life, I suggest two measures should be taken which are to conduct
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drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
 disadvantages
socalization
Correct your spelling
socialization
localization
 and establish
parents
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 as
support
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 systems.
Firstly
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, students need to be exposed earlier to the downside of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drugs
Use synonyms
 through socialization that can be conducted by schools. By understanding the danger, students are likely to avert
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
drugs
Change the noun form
drug
show examples
usage
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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,
parents
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 should monitor and
support
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 their children especially to ensure they are occupied with positive activities only
such
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 as learning, doing their hobbies, or volunteering in social activities. When the youngsters are busy with constructive activities, they will not have time to consume the
drugs
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.
Thus
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,
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drugs
Fix the agreement mistake
drug
show examples
 danger socialization and
parents
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'
support
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 are crucial in preventing young people from
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
drugs
Fix the agreement mistake
drug
show examples
 abuse. In conclusion, the rise of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recreational
drugs
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 happens because of social
pressure
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 among
teenagers
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 and easy accessibility to retrieve the
drugs
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. Since
this
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 is a devastating
phenomena
Change the noun form
phenomenon
show examples
, I suggest two approaches to tackle the issues which are
drugs
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' danger socialization and parental
support
Use synonyms
 system establishment.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your examples are more directly linked to the points you are making. While you provided relevant context, sharper, more specific examples directly linked to your arguments will enhance your score. Consider providing statistics, studies, or more detailed scenarios that underscore your points.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, focus on creating smoother transitions between your paragraphs and within them. While your essay is well-organized, transitions such as 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Lastly,' can be complemented with transitional phrases that relate back to the previous points or forward to the argument, creating a more fluid and connected argument.
coherence cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, try to succinctly summarize your main points to ensure that they are clearly presented to the reader. This strategy will also help in ensuring that your essay remains coherent throughout and that the reader can easily follow your line of reasoning.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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