IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In today’s world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In modern
society
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, a
lot
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 of men and women to look younger spend a
lot
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 of
money
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 on their appearance.
This
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 essay will suggest the reasons behind
people
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 paying hefty prices for their physical appearances and how
this
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 downward trend impacts our
society
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 and
people
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. Everyone appreciates younger-looking
skin
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 and slim bodies as they look appealing to the eyes. Across the world, the current norm of
society
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 now is to look younger and have a slim body even though
initially
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this
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 trend was in glamorous industries like movies and modelling only. Nowadays,
people
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 are forced by societal pressure and they tend to spend their savings on Gym memberships and Diet plans to maintain a body.
For example
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, As per the current survey in the United States, a
lot
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 of the younger generation have health club memberships because they want to look good.
Furthermore
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, a certain type of employment requires
people
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 to have fresh and young-looking
skin
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 to stay in jobs.
For instance
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, a
lot
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 of Hollywood movie stars pay huge prices to maintain their
skin
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 by doing cosmetic surgeries on their
skin
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 because if they look beautiful, their demand will be greater.
Therefore
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,
people
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 tend to spend huge
money
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 on their external appearance. In my opinion, spending huge
money
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 on physical appearances has far more negative implications for
society
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.
First,
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many younger generations under societal pressure are now skipping meals in their pursuit of losing extra body weight and
this
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 is causing Bulimia like diseases in young girls.
Second,
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many normal
people
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 who do not have enough
money
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 to spend on cosmetic surgeries, diet plans or gym memberships are suffering from low self-esteem.
For instance
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, In the USA, many
people
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 are suffering from depression because they are overweight or do not have a beautiful smile and flawless
skin
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.
Hence
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, paying hefty costs on one's appearance is a downward trend and
people
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 must learn to accept themselves as they are and must be educated.
To conclude
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, there are deep consequences on one's emotional health when
people
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 tend to spend their savings on looking good rather
people
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 should spend their
money
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 on being healthy and self-love should be preached in
society
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction provides a clear thesis statement that addresses the essay prompt directly. While your introduction touches upon the main ideas, refining it to clearly state your stance towards the topic would make your position more evident from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen your main body paragraphs by linking them more explicitly to the thesis introduced in your essay. This helps in maintaining a focused and structured argument throughout your essay.
task achievement
Consider diversifying your sentence structures and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to make your essay more engaging and to demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
task achievement
While you have provided examples to support your points, incorporating more specific, real-life instances or statistical data where possible would enrich your argumentation and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
In your conclusion, ensure to succinctly summarize the key points of your argument in relation to the essay prompt, reaffirming your stance in a convincing manner.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage to avoid minor grammatical errors. Additionally, proofreading your essay for typographical errors will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural and social pressure
  • Youth and beauty glorification
  • Technological advancements
  • Anti-aging treatments
  • Skincare
  • Cosmetic procedures
  • Self-esteem and confidence
  • Self-improvement
  • Self-care
  • Unrealistic beauty standards
  • Superficiality
  • Financial strain
  • Consumption and dissatisfaction
  • Psychological effects
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Body dysmorphobia
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