IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

When a new town is planned, it is more important to develop public parks and sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#town #parks #sports #facilities #centers #people #time
City
 construction is crucial to resident's daily lives, having a direct effect on
people
's life satisfaction. In my opinion,
although
 shopping complexes can benefit
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 economy, it is more important to develop public areas for exercise. Local residents have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
easy access to public
parks
 and facilities, encouraging them to do daily exercise regularly, which can strengthen
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their bodies. Nowadays,
people
 are buried in work or study without enough exercise and relaxation. Public infrastructure can be a chance for
people
 to go outside, have fresh air and escape from stress,
instead
 of going to gyms
withont
Correct your spelling
without
 fresh air. Residents can feel free to do a variety of activities,
for example
, dancing
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 music, jogging around the park,
having
Correct word choice
and having
show examples
 a picnic on
grass
Add an article
the grass
show examples
, which
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 chance to get closer to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature.
Such
 outdoor activities can help
people
 develop
hlathly
Correct your spelling
healthy
 lifestyle and decrease the diseases
such
 as heart
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
.
On the other hand
, shopping complexes can provide diverse products to local
people
 and increase consumption,
then
 boost
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 economy, Many shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 are combined with many kinds of commodities, which have multi-functions like catering, entertaining and buying products, which can inspire local
people
 to consume.
For example
, when
peuple
Correct your spelling
people
 enter the shopping mall, to buy a new dress, they may buy a bottle of
severage
Correct your spelling
beverage
leverage
 and have a meal in the shopping
complxes
Correct your spelling
complexes
 by the way.
This
 would lead to an increase in consumption and benefit
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 economy. In my opinion, the construction of public
parks
 or sports facilities can not only
benefits
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefit
show examples
people
, but
also
 add to the beauty of
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
.
Parks
 with
difterent
Correct your spelling
different
 kinds of flourishing flowers and lines of tall trees can decorate our
city
. When residents or tourists
looking
Wrong verb form
look
show examples
 at the
nature
Replace the word
natural
show examples
 landscape of
parks
 or gardens, they will give a high review on
this
city
, which would increase the pride and identification of local
people
, contributing to a more
hormonious
Correct your spelling
harmonious
 society and beautiful scenes.
Submitted by 285275402 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
You have made a good attempt at structuring your essay and presenting your argument. To enhance clarity and coherence, consider improving the introduction and conclusion to clearly state your stance and summarise your main points better.
Task Achievement
To further support your main points, try incorporating more specific examples and evidence. This can help strengthen your argument and provide a more compelling case for prioritizing public parks and sports facilities over shopping centers.
General Advice
Review your essay for grammatical errors and typos (e.g., 'severage' should be 'beverage', 'hlathly' should be 'healthy', 'people' misused for 'peuple'). Proofreading can significantly improve the professionalism and readability of your text.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!