IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Write about the following topic: Should long-term job seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #job #seekers #receipt #government #work #community
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In recent times, some argue that individuals who follow long-term occupations and earn money from governments should do some voluntary
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 to assist the community. Despite the fact that these
people
Use synonyms
 have benefits for their government,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
authorities need to pay attention to them, voluntary activities always matter. The in-depth analysis in the following paragraphs intends to discuss why
this
Linking Words
 essay considers voluntary activities necessary.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the most significant resource of each and every
country
Use synonyms
 is human resources. It means that without the public, a
country
Use synonyms
 would be unable to stand. Not only, are workers and
people
Use synonyms
 who have different careers beneficial for their personal life, but
also
Linking Words
 they are absolutely important for their communities. It means that they might help the industry or the economy of a
country
Use synonyms
. Take
people
Use synonyms
 who work in factories as an example, there are numerous factories in a
country
Use synonyms
 that produce raw materials
such
Linking Words
 as various kinds of metals, and export them to other areas all around the world.
This
Linking Words
 business is completely crucial for any
country
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, individuals require benefits from governments to be more productive and advantageous.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, not only the public will receive help from the government, but
also
Linking Words
 the government need to face something in return.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it could be some voluntary activities
such
Linking Words
 as social services or being part of charities to help others.
As a result
Linking Words
, they all live in a better place and in general, a better world.
This
Linking Words
 is called sympathy and humanity which are integral parts of our lives.
For example
Linking Words
, by assisting poor children in a foster home as a charity place, to continue their education, in the future, they could be helpful to their societies, whether the economy , the healthcare system or even the educational system. To summarize,
although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 have
Correct article usage
the rights
show examples
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to be supported by governments, it cannot be overshadowed that as an important part of communities, humans should take care of some parts of the society through voluntary jobs.
Submitted by royakarimi435 on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, try to develop your argument further with more varied and specific examples. For example, use statistics or case studies to support your points. This could involve discussing a particular program where long-term job seekers have successfully contributed to the community through voluntary work, demonstrating the practical benefits of such an approach.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and within them. Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more effectively, ensuring a seamless flow of information. This could involve phrases that highlight contrasts, causes, and effects, or additional points to deepen the coherence of your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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