IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for eg. through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In today’s world, technologies have rapidly developed, allowing people to have
more
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a more
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 comfortable life, particular, smartphones can connect to others more easily, but sometimes is not safe and may be tagged by companies or some applications that we permitted when installing
apps
Use synonyms
 without being unconscious. In my opinion, I believe that has
drawbacks
Correct quantifier usage
more drawbacks
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 than benefits and I will explain below. In modern times, it is undeniable that most people have a phone and always carry it
ourselves
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 because smartphones can call others, pay money by banking without cash and do online shopping.
Moreover
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, aim to release stress by listening to music, watching VDO on YouTube etc.,
However
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, before they use
apps
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 on phones, we necessary install
apps
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while
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 they are placing these
then
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 the screen displays “allowing to follow?” so, we avoid
to click
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clicking
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 “YES”.
Although
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, permitting
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 useful like activity analysis when using
apps
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 can advise us to use
next,
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but has more drawbacks that applications can follow us
such
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 as location, pictures on the phone etc., during the
using
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use
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 of
apps
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.
Moreover
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, if companies
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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stealed
Correct your spelling
steal
 the data of users may spread in social networks.
On the other hand
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, the government have PDPA laws to prevent private data of customers needed to allow from own before access it to the public.
At
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As
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 result, reducing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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cybercrime in society.
However
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, the state should encourage companies to keep user identities
such
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 as investing in systems safer. In conclusion, it seems that the threat of information technology is surrounding us.
However
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, before clicking “YES” on
cellphones
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cell phones
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 should read the consent form with caution and
also
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, keep
aways
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away
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the
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from the
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 latest news about technology.

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coherence cohesion
Work on establishing a clearer logical structure by better organizing your paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea followed by supporting sentences.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion. Your introduction should clearly state your opinion on the topic, while your conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion.
task achievement
Develop your main points more thoroughly with specific examples and explanations to support your arguments. This will also help in meeting the task requirements more effectively.
task achievement
Aim to address the task more directly by providing a more balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages, along with a clear position that reflects the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Improve clarity and coherence by transitioning smoothly between ideas and paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more effectively.
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