IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some parents think that children should do extracurricular activities. Others think that this will give them pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#parents #children #activities #pressure
Although
 it is sometimes thought that
childchildren
Correct your spelling
child children
 ought to do extra
curricularactivities
Correct your spelling
curricular activities
after school,other people believe that
such
activities
 can lead
children
 to be under pressure. In my opinion, I consider that extracurricular
activities
 may put
children
 under stress. On the one hand ,some people think that
children
 who do extracurricular
activities
 can gain several benefits which can
be help
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 them greatly in their lives ,and I agree.
In other words
 , doing more curricular
activities
 after school
such
sports
Change preposition
as sports
show examples
 can be beneficial for
students
,
expecially
Correct your spelling
especially
 in terms of their health. If,
overweigh
Correct your spelling
overweight
show examples
children
,
for example
, are encouraged to
do
Verb problem
play
show examples
spots
Correct your spelling
sports
show examples
, namely playing football after
shool
Correct your spelling
school
show examples
 hours, they can burn their calories fast and be in shape. .
Furthermore
,unlike extracurricular
activities
,academic subjects do not teach
students
 skills and teamwork.
Therefore
,
students
 have more opportunity to develop their social life skills.
On the other hand
,it is often believed that the focus should be on academic subjects
instead
 of focus on extracurricular
activities
 because it can put
children
 under pressure.Some
students
 are not interested in any curricular
activities
,and they prefer to focus only on their academic subjects,so they do not want any distractions from any other
activities
.
For example
,some
students
 try to study science and medicine, so for them doing extracurricular
activities
 is pointless.
Moreover
,forcing extracurricular
activities
 does not promote independence or autonomy.
To sum up
,
while
 people may vary in their opinions, I think that
children
 stand a better chance of succeeding in social life if they have extracurricular
activities
 in their schools.
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
For Task Achievement, ensure that you address the question directly and develop your ideas fully. Try to balance the discussion of both views before stating your opinion. Incorporate more specific examples to substantiate your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, aim for a clearer logical structure by organizing your paragraphs effectively. Start with a topic sentence for each paragraph, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence. Ensure smooth transitions between ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!