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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some parents think that children should do extracurricular activities. Others think that this will give them pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Although
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 it is often that
children
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 ought to have
extracurriucular
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extracurricular
extra-curricular
activities
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 after school hours, other people think that they may lead them to be under pressure. In my opinion, I consider that
extracuricular
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extracurricular
activities
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 help
children
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 learn new
skills
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. On the one hand, some people think that
children
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 who take part in extracurricular
activities
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 often improve a certain skill, and I agree.
In other words
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, by joining
such
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activities
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, students can greatly develop their social
skills
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.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that most of the
activities
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 are performed in groups, which gives
children
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 enough opportunities to socialize with other peers and improve their communication
skills
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, which can clearly help them in the future. Another great thing is that when
children
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 participate in these
activities
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, they can be in shape.
For instance
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, students who are actively involved in sports will clearly have a healthy body, unlike students who only focus on academic subjects.
On the other hand
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, some parents worry that extracurricular
activities
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 can overwhelm
the
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their
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 kids and put them under pressure.
That is
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 to say,
children
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 will be exhausted because they are given homework to be completed daily, and if they join extracurricular
activities
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, they will not be able to have enough rest in the evening, and because of
this
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, they will end up sleeping late in order to complete their task.
Furthermore
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, some
children
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 will suffer from health issues because of a lack of rest.
This
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 will cause them to not be able to focus on their lessons in the class effectively.
To sum up
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,
while
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 people may vary in their own opinion, I think that
children
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 who are involved in extracurricular
activities
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 can develop their social
skills
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 and stay healthy. It is
therefore
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 essential for every parent to encourage their
children
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 to join these
activities
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.

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Task Achievement
Introduce both viewpoints in the introduction more clearly to immediately set the stage for your essay. This helps readers understand the arguments that will be discussed.
Task Achievement
Expand your conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed and reinforcing your opinion. Make sure it reflects the complexity and depth of your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly, ensuring the essay flows well from one section to the next.
Coherence & Cohesion
Organize paragraphs more effectively by having distinct topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph. This will improve the logical structure of your essay.
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