IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that sports teach children how to compete, while other believe that learn teamwork. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sports #children #teamwork
Although
 It is maintained that
children
 could learn
competition
 ethics from
sports
, others think that
sports
 help them improve their teamwork skills. In my opinion, I believe
sports
 will give the opportunity to teach
children
 how to have a fair
competition
. On the one hand,
according to
 some, challenges
such
 as tournaments will introduce the ethics and rights of
competition
, and I agree.
In other words
, having rules for every
competition
 will make sure that the
children
 will learn how to be responsible for their actions and decisions. If,
for example
, during a football
competition
 one of the players cheated, they will be expelled from the game.
Thus
, they won’t only learn that they have to stick to the rules, but
also
 they will learn that there isn’t any bad behaviour without consequence and punishment.
On the other hand
, others believe that
sports
 activities will scale up their teamwork skills. Specifically, in group
sports
, namely football or basketball where they need to collaborate with each other to succeed and the game.
For instance
, a basketball team could put a plan ahead of how they will play during the game and divide the roles between each other in a way that benefits the entire team. In addition, they will learn how to put themselves into each other’s point of view to make sure that will come up with the best results for all members.
To sum up
,
while
 people may vary in their opinions, I’m confident that
sports
 is one of the best ways to make sure that
children
 know how to compete fairly.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear structure with a noticeable introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which aids in maintaining logical flow. To further improve coherence and cohesion, consider varying your transition phrases more and ensuring paragraphs connect seamlessly.
task achievement
You've discussed both views and provided examples, which contributes positively to your task achievement score. However, to enhance clarity and develop your ideas further, try to expand your explanations with more detailed examples and ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
general
To enhance your score further, work on refining your sentence structure and employing a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more vividly. Additionally, pay attention to minor grammatical errors that can detract from the overall quality of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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