IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The government should control the amount of violence in films and on the television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent you agree or disagree?

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In recent decades, mass media
generate
Wrong verb form
has generated
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significant
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a significant
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 impact on public thoughts and behaviours.
Therefore
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, violent scenes in movies or television series are blamed for the rising crime rate in society. In order to tackle
this
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 problem, some people propose that it is the government that should regulate the amount of violence in those programs, and some hold the opposite opinion. In
this
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 essay, I will express my opinion by considering both perspectives. People advocating
this
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 statement do have a good point.
Although
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 without
a
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apply
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scientific proof, it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
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common sense that being exposed to plenty of violent wrongdoings from motion pictures, may unintentionally change the perception
to
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of
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 criminal conduct.
This
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cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 significantly detrimental effects on adolescents’ personal development, as they are particularly susceptible to their environment.
Due to
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frequent
Correct article usage
the frequent
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 presentation of aggressive behaviour, alongside the coarse
languages
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language
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 from the screens, there is a great chance
of
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that
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 teenagers perceive these phenomena are socially acceptable and normalise them.
As a consequence
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, teenagers cultivate the thoughts of imitating the actions that they observed from the movies. In the worst scenario, young adults
that are
Verb problem
who
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 lack
of
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apply
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law-abidingness may go astray and get involved
into
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in
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 organised crimes.
Thus
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, it can be seen that authority must shoulder the responsibility
to censor
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for censoring
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 entertaining programs that contain explicit scenes of violence.
On the contrary
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,
entertaining
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entertainment
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 programs supervised under
government
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the government
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 could
exploits
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exploit
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 the right of free speech that should be granted to every individual. Take documentaries as an example. If the intention is to chronicle a genuine story involving a gangster, does
this
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 imply that
such
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 content should never be brought to
screen
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the screen
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? if genuine realities are prohibited from being shared, not only it will stunt the progress of
entertainment
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the entertainment
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 industry, but
also
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 the artistic expression across various media forms that may be interpreted as violence or other
sensitivity
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sensitive
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 subjects.
Consequently
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, it impedes the advancement of art and the cultural evolution of the nation. In conclusion, I agree that
certain
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a certain
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 extent of censorship should be enforced by the government as a means to reduce the crime rate.
However
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, relevant departments should
also
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 commence a large-scale
of
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apply
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public education of the justice system and
legislations
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legislation
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.
This
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 should be the more appropriate solution for maintaining
the
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apply
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social security and
the
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apply
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social development.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there's room for improvement to make the logical flow more coherent. Transition phrases could be better utilized to link ideas smoothly between paragraphs. Consider adding clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to immediately indicate their main focus, and summation sentences at the end to reinforce and link back to your overarching thesis.
task achievement
You've addressed the prompt by taking a stance and discussing both sides of the argument, which is commendable. However, your argumentation could be strengthened by offering more specific examples to substantiate your claims. Drawing from real-life cases, studies, or statistical data, even if hypothetical, would make your argument more convincing. Also, make sure your conclusion succinctly and clearly restates your position, summarizing the main points made in your essay to reinforce your stance.
task achievement
Your essay could benefit from a closer examination of the prompt. While you've discussed relevant issues, ensuring that each paragraph directly addresses aspects of the question can improve task response. Revisit the prompt after drafting your essay to ensure none of your paragraphs stray off-topic. This will help in maintaining a strong, focused argument throughout.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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