The government should control the amount of violence in films and on the television in order to decrease the level of violent crime in the society. To what extent you agree or disagree?
In recent decades, mass media
generate
Wrong verb form
has generated
significant
impact on public thoughts and behaviours. Add an article
a significant
Therefore
, violent scenes in movies or television series are blamed for the rising crime rate in society. In order to tackle this
problem, some people propose that it is the government that should regulate the amount of violence in those programs, and some hold the opposite opinion. In this
essay, I will express my opinion by considering both perspectives.
People advocating this
statement do have a good point. Although
without a
scientific proof, it is Remove the article
apply
a
common sense that being exposed to plenty of violent wrongdoings from motion pictures, may unintentionally change the perception Correct article usage
apply
to
criminal conduct. Change preposition
of
This
cause
significantly detrimental effects on adolescents’ personal development, as they are particularly susceptible to their environment. Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
Due to
frequent
presentation of aggressive behaviour, alongside the coarse Correct article usage
the frequent
languages
from the screens, there is a great chance Fix the agreement mistake
language
of
teenagers perceive these phenomena are socially acceptable and normalise them. Change preposition
that
As a consequence
, teenagers cultivate the thoughts of imitating the actions that they observed from the movies. In the worst scenario, young adults that are
lack Verb problem
who
of
law-abidingness may go astray and get involved Change preposition
apply
into
organised crimes. Change preposition
in
Thus
, it can be seen that authority must shoulder the responsibility to censor
entertaining programs that contain explicit scenes of violence.
Change preposition
for censoring
On the contrary
, entertaining
programs supervised under Replace the word
entertainment
government
could Correct article usage
the government
exploits
the right of free speech that should be granted to every individual. Take documentaries as an example. If the intention is to chronicle a genuine story involving a gangster, does Change the verb form
exploit
this
imply that such
content should never be brought to screen
? if genuine realities are prohibited from being shared, not only it will stunt the progress of Add an article
the screen
entertainment
industry, but Correct article usage
the entertainment
also
the artistic expression across various media forms that may be interpreted as violence or other sensitivity
subjects. Replace the word
sensitive
Consequently
, it impedes the advancement of art and the cultural evolution of the nation.
In conclusion, I agree that certain
extent of censorship should be enforced by the government as a means to reduce the crime rate. Correct article usage
a certain
However
, relevant departments should also
commence a large-scale of
public education of the justice system and Change preposition
apply
legislations
. Fix the agreement mistake
legislation
This
should be the more appropriate solution for maintaining the
social security and Correct article usage
apply
the
social development.Correct article usage
apply
Submitted by kachuenho4783 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there's room for improvement to make the logical flow more coherent. Transition phrases could be better utilized to link ideas smoothly between paragraphs. Consider adding clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to immediately indicate their main focus, and summation sentences at the end to reinforce and link back to your overarching thesis.
task achievement
You've addressed the prompt by taking a stance and discussing both sides of the argument, which is commendable. However, your argumentation could be strengthened by offering more specific examples to substantiate your claims. Drawing from real-life cases, studies, or statistical data, even if hypothetical, would make your argument more convincing. Also, make sure your conclusion succinctly and clearly restates your position, summarizing the main points made in your essay to reinforce your stance.
task achievement
Your essay could benefit from a closer examination of the prompt. While you've discussed relevant issues, ensuring that each paragraph directly addresses aspects of the question can improve task response. Revisit the prompt after drafting your essay to ensure none of your paragraphs stray off-topic. This will help in maintaining a strong, focused argument throughout.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
