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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the government should be responsible for crime prevention, while others believe that it is responsibility for the individuals to protect themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #crime #prevention #responsibility #individuals
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While
 a group of people believe that protecting society against
crime
 is one of the
government
's duties, others consider
a
Correct pronoun usage
it a
show examples
responsibility to individuals. There are rational arguments on both sides of
this
 contentious topic which will be discussed in detail, followed by my own take on the matter. On the one hand, each person ought to protect themselves from being offended by offenders.
To begin
 with, people make decisions for their life
therefore
, they ought to be careful about risky choices and positions.
For instance
, an individual is good to be careful about the atmosphere when buying a house for his family.
Moreover
, if the area has insecure conditions for living and the rate of
crime
 is high in that zone head of a family should consider these statutes before choosing the flat.
On the other hand
, there is another idea that taking care of ordinary people among criminals is one of the
government
's national tasks.
In other words
, each central
government
 is required to take some precautionary measures to tackle crimes. More specifically, they consider special action which might be providing punishments to
make
Verb problem
create
show examples
 fear among potential offenders who might commit a
crime
 in future. A good example of
this
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is in some countries there are TV programs that illustrate some punishment for the amount of
crime
 based on their law to prevent more convicts in future. In conclusion, both views present rational reasons for their ideas, on balance,
however
, my personal belief is that preventing a community from
crime
 is more than a national task for the
government
 than a job for citizens.
Submitted by Pbaharlou70 on

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Introduction
Continue to introduce your essay with a clear overview that succinctly addresses the topic and outlines your stance. This creates a strong foundation for your argument.
Logical Structure
While you have done well in making your essay logically structured, strive to make transitions between paragraphs smoother. This can be achieved by using more varied linking words or phrases.
Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are clear and distinct to effectively frame your essay. Your essay showcases this strength, as you have neatly introduced the topic and provided a concise conclusion that reflects back on the entire argument.
Supported Main Points
When presenting your main points, continue to support them with specific examples or evidence. You have included relevant examples which strengthen your argument, but ensure each main point is robustly supported to enhance your argument further.
Complete Response
For a higher score in task achievement, make sure every part of the prompt is addressed comprehensively. While you have responded to all aspects of the prompt, adding more depth or varied examples relevant to your claims could strengthen your position.
Clear & Comprehensive Ideas
Your essay demonstrates clear and comprehensive treatment of the topic. To refine this further, clarify your stance in the introduction and consistently maintain this perspective throughout, to enhance the persuasive quality of your essay.
Relevant & Specific Examples
You've used relevant examples effectively, but including a broader range of specific examples related to the government's role and individual actions could provide a more compelling argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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