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Band 5.5

Everyone of us should become a vegetarian because eating meat can cause serious health problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#meat #health
Nowadays, it is believed that each of us must change our
diet
 by avoiding
meat
 in our meals since ingesting food coming from animals could cause significant
health
 issues. In my opinion, I do not agree with
this
 statement. In
this
 essay, I will explain the reasons why.
Firstly
, being healthy means to have a balanced
diet
. Specifically, it is believed that consuming different types of aliments helps to develop good
health
.
Additionally
, there is a reason that specialists suggest we need to eat all kinds of these products as each of them adds
nutrients
 to our body.
As a consequence
, avoiding
meat
 will result in the loss of minerals like iron which helps to grow our muscles and boost our energy to have a better improvement in our daily activities.
For example
, recent research conducted by scientists from Boston University has shown that 65% of people in EEUU who do not include
meat
 in their meals present
lowers
Correct your spelling
lower
show examples
 levels of iron in their blood
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
mostly
conduct
Verb problem
causing
show examples
 them to feel
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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weak and lack
of
Change preposition
apply
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energy.
Secondly
, most
of
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apply
show examples
vegetarians need to include supplements
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
diet
. Obviously,
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
 of vegetables include a large number of food properties which can
increment
Verb problem
increase
show examples
 our
health
. Despite
this
, many of
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
nutrients
 can not get
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
directly
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 our blood without being
help
Change the form of the verb
helped
show examples
 by other components and still
not
Add a missing verb
do not
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 proportionate same
porcentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of
nutrients
.
Moreover
,
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 reach
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 level of nourishment as people who have a regular
diet
, vegetarians include
nutrients
 by consuming supplements
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
 ensure a healthy
diet
 and some of them are made based on chemicals.
For instance
, an individual who has a
diet
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
not
Add a missing verb
does not
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 include
meat
 and
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
supplement
Fix the agreement mistake
supplements
show examples
 could harm their
health
 by not getting all
nutrients
Correct article usage
the nutrients
show examples
 they need. In conclusion,
although
 there are people who believe we need to change our
diet
 by avoiding
meat
, I think is important to have a balanced nourishment for our body and help to improve our
health
.
In addition
, is a choice that any individual could make by deciding what they think is better for them.
Submitted by msolemilocco on

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Task Achievement
Ensure the essay fully addresses the question by providing a more balanced discussion on both views, even if you lean towards one. Offering contrast arguments enhances task response.
Task Achievement
Work on elaborating ideas more comprehensively. While you provided good reasons for your stance, expanding on them or providing more varied reasons could strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically by ensuring a clear connection between your thesis statement and your concluding paragraph. Reiterate your stance clearly in the conclusion for a stronger impact.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, link your main ideas more clearly to your thesis statement. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that aligns with your overall argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments, improving the flow of your essay.
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