IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #purposes #networks #development
With the advancement of technology, more and more
people
 tend to put their private
information
 on online platforms.
This
 has led to the question of whether it is beneficial to put personal
information
 online.I think that, despite the convenience it brings,
people
 should not put their personal
information
. On the one hand, thanks to up-to-date technologies,
people
 can sign up for an account for social networks or online banking. In the past,
people
 had to go
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 bank to complete
paperworks
Correct your spelling
paperwork
 at
agency
Correct article usage
an agency
show examples
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
 withdraw money from the bank.
Therefore
,
people
 can access
anywhere
Correct pronoun usage
it anywhere
show examples
 without complicated procedures.
In addition
,
people
 don't
need
Add the particle
need to
show examples
 remember too much personal
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
,
instead
,
just
Correct pronoun usage
they just
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
touch or use face ID.
On the other hand
, there are some disadvantages
such
 as the security is not high, the thieves can easily break into bank accounts to steal. Thereby,
this
 becomes a target for
people
 with bad intentions.
Furthermore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal accounts can easily
misleading
Change the verb form
mislead
be misleading
show examples
. To explain, when
people
 manually enter
information
 into their accounts, they can go wrong without knowing it. In conclusion,
although
 providing personal iìnormations
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
convenient
Correct pronoun usage
it convenient
show examples
 for
people
,it has to be done carefully since currently, it still does more harm than good.
Submitted by nhuquynhbn2004 on

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task response
Introduce your essay with a clear statement of your position to immediately orient readers to your perspective. This helps in establishing a solid foundation for the argument.
task response
Expand on your ideas with more specific examples. General statements are fine as a start, but detailed examples strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a logical flow of ideas by clearly connecting your paragraphs and sentences. Use linking words effectively to bridge thoughts and concepts.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your argument and restates your position, giving the essay a well-rounded and complete finish.
general
Work on proofreading your essay for spelling and grammatical errors, as these can distract from your argument and cause confusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ease of access
  • interconnected
  • communication
  • commerce
  • identity theft
  • privacy invasions
  • digitization
  • fraudulent activities
  • financial losses
  • reliance
  • digital profiles
  • social inequalities
  • cybersecurity measures
  • mitigate
  • digital convenience
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • stress
  • online validation
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