IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that people should be allowed to work only till a set retirement age. Others say that if people want to work, age should not be a barrier to them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #work #retirement #age #barrier
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These days, there are many opinions about when
people
 should retire from
Correct pronoun usage
their job
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
. Some argue that we should
work
 until a set retirement age. Other
people
 think that we don’t need to set the rule and should retire when we want to. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both opinions and give my
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
.
To begin
 with, there is no doubt that old
people
 cannot do their tasks as
better
Rephrase
well
show examples
 as young
people
. Obviously, their skills will
be decreasing
Wrong verb form
decrease
show examples
, and
physical
Correct pronoun usage
their physical
show examples
 energy will
be going
Wrong verb form
go
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 down.
Moreover
, it might be difficult for most older
people
 to acquire new technologies or new information.
As a result
, it will be inefficient and
not productive
Rephrase
ineffective
show examples
 for companies or organizations because every
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 in the workplace will get confused.
On the other hand
, many
people
 believe that we should not decide the age of retirement, because of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
decreasing
Replace the word
decrease
show examples
 and
mental
Correct article usage
the mental
show examples
 health of
people
. These days, a lot of companies
faced
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a lack of
labors
Fix the agreement mistake
labor
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,
Correct word choice
and, decreasing
show examples
decreasing
Correct article usage
a decreasing
show examples
 population in the world. They really want to hire
people
 even old
people
.
Furthermore
, it is good for old
people
’s mental health to
work
 because they can connect and make
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 other
people
. In conclusion, I think it depends on
Correct article usage
the situations
show examples
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
 whether we should make
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 working age or not. In my opinion, If
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
 are
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
 and they want to
work
 more, they should
work
.
In contrast
, if they are not productive, companies should not allow them to
work
. I hope
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 will make
this
 kind of
low
Correct your spelling
law
show examples
.
Submitted by mayu1022.p on

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Task Achievement
Work on developing your main ideas with more detailed examples. Consider including statistics, personal anecdotes, or hypothetical scenarios to make your arguments more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve logical structuring by using more varied and clear transitional phrases between paragraphs and ideas. This will help guide your reader through your essay more smoothly.
n/a
To enrich your essay, integrate a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary. This will not only enhance coherence but also demonstrate your linguistic flexibility and proficiency.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider the relevance and depth of your examples. While addressing both views, ensure that the examples specifically support the claims you are making about each perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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