IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some museums and art galleries charge admission fees, while others have free entry. Do you think the advantages of free admission outweigh the disadvantages?

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While
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 some art galleries and museums put a price on people's entrance, others offer admissions fees free of charge. I believe the merits of
this
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 surpass the drawbacks. The main benefit
from
Change preposition
of
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 offering entries for free is that it's socially inclusive.
In particular
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, it allows people in low-income conditions to access culture more easily, making them more susceptible to
educate
Wrong verb form
educating
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 themselves through art and history.
For example
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, some low-income families would often prefer to spend their weekends engaging in free activities,
such
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 as watching TV, rather than visiting a paid exposition in the city, because of their financial situation.
Furthermore
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, free admission to museums and other cultural institutions helps
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
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 society's
overall
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 education status.
This
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 is because making educational content available to the population at no cost will make it viable to develop a cultural interest
for
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in
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 the matter. To illustrate
this
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, students might be interested in visiting the city museum's archive to sharpen their knowledge about their school assignments,
instead
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 of staying at home scrolling through social media, if they can enter it for free.
On the other hand
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, the downside of free entrances is that the said museum or art gallery might face crucial difficulties related to financial resources.
This
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 might result in
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of
facilities'
Change noun form
facilities
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 improvement and maintenance.
For instance
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, it can be challenging to support
artwork's
Change noun form
artwork
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 restoration without a high amount of money to contract a specialist on the subject. In conclusion, I believe the benefits of free admission to museums and artistic expositions exceed the drawbacks.
This
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 is because the merits of providing social inclusion and the improvement
on
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of
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 society's education surpass the difficulty of said institution's funding problems.
Furthermore
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, the town's politicians could promote financial funding events to encourage donations from wealthy people in order to support these organizations.

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task achievement
To improve in task achievement, ensure that each point you make is explicitly linked to the question asked. While your essay has clear and comprehensive ideas, making even more direct connections between your arguments and the question can help. Consider using phrases such as 'This directly benefits...' or 'Due to free admission, it is clear that...' to make these connections explicit.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you might want to use a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph. This can include conjunctions, synonyms, and referencing phrases to make the flow between ideas smoother. Additionally, ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next by using transitional phrases that clearly signal the progression of your argument.
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