IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
As a special group,
celebrities
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 society. Some argue that
celebrities
 are more famous for their attraction and rich
instead
 of
contributions
Correct pronoun usage
their contributions
show examples
, which promotes a negative impact on
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
.
Although
 I acknowledge that
this
 is a harmful example to them, I think those cases are
minority
Add an article
a minority
the minority
show examples
. It is hard to deny that certain
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
celebrities
 become famous
due to
 their appearance or privileged background.
However
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
celebrities
 achieve their success because they devote themselves
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 one domain and address great outcomes that are known by the public.
For instance
, Yiming Zhang who
build
Wrong verb form
built
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TikTok which is the most popular short video application in the world took at least 3 years to
fucus
Correct your spelling
focus
show examples
 on marketing research and product development, and after a long trial and error, the final product was released to the public, bringing him to the celebrity list.
Therefore
, it can be said that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
glamour and wealth are inevitable products
as a consequence
 of achievements.
On the other hand
, the example of those
celebrities
 who become well known
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
 personal charisma and wealth indeed
trigger
Correct subject-verb agreement
triggers
show examples
 a negative phenomenon
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
. They are too young to set up a holistic correct value judgment standard. When the appearance of
celebrity
Correct article usage
a celebrity
show examples
 is frequently advocated and emphasized by
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
, some young people will misunderstand that it is the only way to be successful and there is no need to
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
 any effort
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
academy
Add an article
the academy
show examples
.
As a consequence
, those young people will difficult to face the complicated society and
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
 their competition in the future.
Overall
,
celebrities
 who are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements affect young people adversely on value judgment building, despite most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
celebrities
owe to
Verb problem
'
show examples
 contributions.
Submitted by 848033678 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clearer thematic structure. A precisely crafted introduction and conclusion are crucial for setting the context and summarizing your position. Consider using the first paragraph to introduce the topic and your stance explicitly, and use the last paragraph to reinforce your argument concisely.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with more detailed and relevant supporting examples. While you mentioned a case with TikTok's founder, additional examples reflecting a broader perspective would enrich your argument. Ensure each paragraph focuses clearly on one main idea, supporting it thoroughly before moving to the next.
task achievement
Work on fully addressing the prompt by exploring both sides of the argument more evenly. You've presented views for and against the main statement but ensure each side is explored with equal consideration to fully satisfy the task achievement criteria. Also, directly address how strongly you agree or disagree with the statement to provide a clear response.
task achievement
Enhance your essay's clarity and comprehension by refining your use of English. Avoid grammatical errors and use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively. This not only improves readability but also demonstrates your language proficiency.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: