IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, women are allowed to take maternity leave from their jobs during the first months after the birth of their baby. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #women #maternity #jobs #first #months #birth #baby
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is often argued that females enable their temporary pause from their jobs to take for about a year. From my perspective, the benefits of the issue are greater than the drawbacks since
mothers
Use synonyms
' roles as members of families are considerably essential.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, I accept that women should not take a rest for their
babies
Use synonyms
 even though it is definitely important for
mothers
Use synonyms
 to look
after
Correct pronoun usage
after them
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, not only fathers but
also
Linking Words
 other members of a family can nurture their
babies
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, grandparents can be likely to nurture
babies
Use synonyms
 better than their offspring because they have already had an experience that looks after their children.
For example
Linking Words
, In Korea, almost all parents tend to work so they are likely to receive double income regardless of father and
mother
Use synonyms
 since it is significantly difficult for everyone to earn salaries in order to keep their cost of living.
Secondly
Linking Words
, if
Use synonyms
mother
Add an article
the mother
show examples
 takes a temporary rest, they should consider cutting their career. It is deeply associated with financial problems. Companies might not hire women since they would forget how to work.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I am convinced that women are fundamentally crucial as members of a family. First of all, a number of scholars put an emphasis on
relationship
Add an article
the relationship
show examples
 between
mothers
Use synonyms
 and their
babies
Use synonyms
 because there are some workloads a
mother
Use synonyms
 can only do. Only
mothers
Use synonyms
 can give their
babies
Use synonyms
 their milk.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 great action makes children smart and stronger.
For instance
Linking Words
,
According to
Linking Words
 research in the USA, there is a comparison that measures
babies
Use synonyms
 that are eating milk from their
mother
Use synonyms
 or not and they are divided into two groups.
As a consequence
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
 investigation,
babies
Use synonyms
 eating their
mothers
Use synonyms
' milk tend to be more clever and
vigor
Change the spelling
vigour
show examples
 than others. In conclusion, if parents want to have a baby,
wife's
Correct article usage
the wife's
show examples
 role should be prioritized for the baby.
Submitted by Rndlrdl on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To increase your score, aim for more clarity in expressing ideas. For instance, describe the advantages and disadvantages individually and develop each with specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Refine transitions between ideas for smoother flow. This can improve coherence and cohesion. Using signposts like "Firstly," "On the other hand," can guide readers more effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the essay well.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task and presents relevant arguments, which fulfills the basic task requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: