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Band 4.5

Environmental damage is a problem in most countries… What is the cause of this damage? What should be done about this problem?

#damage #countries…
The most
Correct article usage
Most
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 countries in the world are currently harmed by several environmental issues. The increasing number of private
cars
 and the establishment of
factories
 that produce hazardous
gases
 are In our rapidly changing world, the ecosystem is changing by
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 in the same line.
Firstly
, customary motor vehicles are produced in the old ways by car manufacturers. It is good but because of
noxious
Correct article usage
the noxious
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gases
Add a comma
gases,
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 these
cars
 produce like hydrocarbons and nitrogen oxides, people who live in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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crowded places are hurting
as well as
environment
Add an article
the environment
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.
Secondly
,
gases
 emitted by various
factories
 are
also
 a cause of damage to
nature
. When all harmful
gases
 combine in sunlight, they ruin a layer of ozone. The layer of ozone protects us from the sun’s ultraviolet rays. The earth
our
Add a missing verb
is our
show examples
 common home.
For
this
 reason, all governments in the world must protect
this
 together. First of all, today
instead
 of diesel
cars
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 should be fabricated e-mobiles because electromobiles are 10 times less harmful than normal
cars
.
In addition
, the use of electric
cars
 reduces the demand
on
Change preposition
for
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 natural resources and,
as a result
, causes less damage to
nature
. Second of all, the authorities have to replace all
factories
, where located next to cities and should try to improve the filtration system in
factories
 that produce harmful
gases
. All in all, there are lots of matters to absorb damaging problems in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Mother
Nature
. If we do not solve these issues in time, we may lose our health and the beautiful
nature
 we have right now.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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structure
While your essay provides an overview of environmental issues and suggests solutions, it could benefit from a clearer introduction and conclusion. Begin with a more explicit thesis statement summarizing your argument and conclude by summarizing your points and providing a final thought or call to action.
cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to improve the logical flow of your essay. This includes linking phrases like "Furthermore," "However," and "Therefore," to better connect your ideas.
content
To strengthen your task response, ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses a specific part of the prompt. Your first body paragraph should focus on causes, and the second on solutions. Include more detailed examples and explanations to support your points.
language
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the complexity and precision of your writing. This will also make your argument more compelling and easier to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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