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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that it is essential to include physical eduction classes i the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academic subjects. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

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Presently, physical wellness is as important as academic
education
Use synonyms
 in
schools
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. Whilst people contend the notion that physical
classes
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 should be amended to the school curriculum, proponents of academic
education
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 address a contrary opinion
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to say children's time should solely be diverted towards subjects like mathematics and science. It is my contention that filling out children's time at
schools
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 with academic
classes
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 can
be backfired
Wrong verb form
backfire
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at
Change preposition
on
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education
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provides
Replace the word
providers
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,
therefore
Linking Words
, a hybrid educational system that entails fitness and academic
classes
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 should cautiously be considered for
a
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apply
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sustainable development. First and foremost, I think the first point of dissent originates from the fact that in
schools
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, children's durability is limited to a few hours, which causes them to
burn-out
Correct your spelling
burn out
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 frequently.
Addition
Correct article usage
The addition
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 of gym
classes
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 at
education
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 centres has tremendous benefits in making these previously time-loss hours much more effective by rejuvenating their brain and energy.
For example
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, in
Azerbaijan
Correct article usage
the Azerbaijan
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education
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 system, there
is
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are
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 at least one gym class in-between two adjacent academic
classes
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 to reduce
their
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apply
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tension and help them
in
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apply
show examples
replanishing
Correct your spelling
replenishing
 their energy. Resultantly,
this
Linking Words
 refreshment encourages them to gain a better and easier comprehension
at
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of
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 academic topics that
necessitates
Correct subject-verb agreement
necessitate
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 thorough dedication.
Moreover
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, another point why I do presume the effectiveness of
helding
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holding
classes
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 that are full of dynamic activities for youngsters is the health advantages that come alongside with them. As they say,
healthy
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a healthy
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 mind starts with a healthy body,
thus
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, it is utterly important to acknowledge that physical
classes
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 are meant to be
Correct article usage
an indispensible
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indispensible
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indispensable
 part of
modern
Add an article
the modern
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education
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 system
due to
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 numerous
healthy
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health
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 benefits.
For instance
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, juveniles can develop sports habits at
schools
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 which will contribute towards their future life let alone in classrooms. In conclusion,
although
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 some parents are
overancious
Correct your spelling
overanxious
 about
scientific
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the scientific
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 preparedness of their kids, sometimes they
forgot
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forget
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 that their kids should
also
Linking Words
 indulge
the
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in the
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 marvels of life. Bearing in mind
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
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 merits, I think
inclusion
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the inclusion
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 of physical
classes
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 at
schools
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 is a silver bullet solution to increase the quality
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education
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of education
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 at
schools
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.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the importance of physical education alongside academic subjects, which is commendable. However, to enhance task achievement, ensure your argument addresses both views comprehensively before presenting your own perspective. This approach will demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a more logical flow of ideas. Start by introducing each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that signals the main idea. Then, develop this idea with relevant examples or explanations and conclude each paragraph with a statement that links to the overall argument. Additionally, pay attention to the accurate use of connectors (e.g., Firstly, Furthermore, In conclusion) to ensure smooth transitions between sections.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining the clarity and structure of your introduction and conclusion. The introduction should clearly state the topic and your thesis statement (your main argument), while the conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points and reiterate your position. This clarity will strengthen the overall impact of your essay.
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